Tuesday, June 24, 2008

A little help for the helpless

Dear Chica:

Your advice really sucks. Do you think you could find someone else to answer my question? Thank you.
My new friend, Karen Price, who also calls herself "Chica" - even though she doesn't even know how to say "no" in Spanish - has come begging me to give her a few pointers about how to properly answer the mail at her new advice column blog called "Dear Chica." Her readers are leaving in droves, and "Chica" is desperate. In return for her doing my laundry for a month, I have graciously agreed to answer one of her flakey letters, and give her some pointers at the same time.

The following is a recent letter to Karen, ummm, "Chica". If you would like to see Chica's ridiculous answer to the below heart-rending plea for help, you can read it here. Then come back and read my own (correct) answer to this desperate young lady - as she should have been answered in the first place.

Dear Chica,
I find myself wondering if I should try dating girls. All the men I've ever dated treated me horribly, and most are just after my great looks. Should I try the lesbian scene for awhile, or continue searching for the right guy?
Bi-Wonderous in MI

Relax Max's sensitive reply:

Dear Bi:

Of course you should try girls, dear. Pussy is where it's at. Yum!

No need to keep searching for the right guy, dear. Sadly, there is no such thing.

Anyone can readily see the succinct directness with which I answered this nice lady is far superior to the aimless ramblings of "Chica", on her blog.

Or, how about this gem?

Dear Chica,
What makes you think your qualified to give advice? You can't fill the shoes of Dear Abby or Miss Manners alike. You are only 22 years old, and can't answer life's questions. People aren't asking you about shoes or what's on MTV, they are real personal life issues. You can't give that kind of advice.
-Sal in WA

Dear Sal:
Qualified? How much lower would my IQ have to be in order to be down on your level? Would I have to let someone hit me in the head with a hammer? Maybe have one of Petra's zombies suck out half my brain? I would STILL be using words you wouldn't understand, creepo. You don't get it, do you? This blog isn't to answer questions. It's to give me and my friends a place to laugh our asses off at pathetic losers like you who come crawling for "advice" from some hip chick's humor blog. C'mon, Sal. Spill your mama's boy guts. Have you ever had a girlfriend, Sal? Mwaaahahahahaha. Get your loser tosser ass out of here. Feckin' hoser. Next?


But a little more exposure of this "Chica" person should be done as well. First, let me show you a copy of the header picture from Chica's new blog:
Note two things. First, the play on words on her real name "Price" in the subtitle. Here, let me enlarge that for you:
Ok? Obviously, Chica is openly admitting her name is "Price", right? Secondly, note the blatant distortion in the header picture in an attempt to make Karen's eyes look normal. Below is the original photo of Chica, and at the right is how she doctored up the photo for her header:

Now, I am not here to criticize. Those of you who know and love Relax Max know very well how fair-minded and diplomatic I am. But, let's face it: Karen Price has an eye problem. Normally, I would think it was fine to take creative license and show yourself in your best light on your blog. BUT COME ON CHICA!!! You are supposed to be giving advice here. That requires a little honesty on your part. I think everyone reading this will side with Max and not Chica. Am I right?

Bottom line: who would YOU prefer to get advice from?

I rest my case.



  1. Seeing how more of your post was talking about me and not giving and real substantial advice, I'd say I win already. :p

  2. I meant "any" not "and" damn me for not proofreading.

  3. More than simple proofreading will be needed to win here, Karen. uh, "Chica". You will need substance as well. Sorry.

    I am willing to let the little people decide. We will wait for the poll results.

  4. I also note how you have cleverly hidden your eyes in your avatar. I admire you for that.

  5. I think I will have to vote for Max. Chica is really pretty, but I don't understand her advice at all.

  6. I really, really like this Chica chick. I think she is soooo hip! But. Maxey is my stud, you know? I can't go against My Max. Sorry Chica. :)

  7. You have only one advantage, and that's your army.. you couldn't fight this alone Maxy..lol

  8. So...like...is this where you get paid to vote? They said this Chicka cheek was paying...like, ten bucks a crack, right? What? Oh. Chica chick. Yeah. ummm...ten bucks, right?....Is this thing on? Can she hear me?...she's not talkin' back, man...

    Or some weed. Yeah. I could vote for...WHAT!!!.. Yeah. I know. CHICA. Damn man. Are you there??

  9. Hello Chica. Thank you for your fine, well thought out comment. I don't know exactly what you are referring to. I do have many friends. But that is mainly due to my outgoing personality. I really can't control it if bloggers come from all over to lend support to my just causes.

    This little demonstration is only a couple hours old, and there are many grueling days yet to come. If I were you I would rest up my brain and do my best to come up with some answers to letters that are actually helpful to your reader(s).

    Just sayin'. Besides, you have a friend too. The lush over in the first booth, right? Can't vote if you are bombed though. Pity.

  10. Relax Max! Time to face the music, dog shit! Get your little runt ass out here!

    Don't tell me the low-life is hiding out again!

    Chica, baby, you got Gowen Downe's vote. Garanfuckinteed, Okay? And you just call me it that little weasel shows up again..

  11. Okay, luv. I'm here. What am I supposed to say now?

    Yay Max. Fuckin' chuffed. Vote. Whatever.

    That's all, Max. I'm goin' home.

  12. Bless you my child. Dear Floo. Haven't seen you at confession for a while, my dear. Are you being good? I have come to lend my support to Mr. Relax Max, as opposed to this upstart advice columnist, Miss Karen Price. Poor child. Poor, poir, unfortunate lamb.

    I shall be praying that no hard feelings erupt, and that Chica's friend sober's up. Prhaps that zombie woman as well. Two godless fiery redheads. Shouldn't be allowed to vote anyway.

    Holy snapin' duckshit, right? Pullin' the pin, mate. My knackers are plum knackered. Vote for Max.

  13. RM & Chica-

    Fair is fair. Max's advice kicks ass, and is shorter [After all, if this uncertain filly wanted a long answer, she'd have written to Vicar Ezra].
    By the bye, I seem to remember that "Chica" is slang in some Spanish-speaking countries for "prostitute" or "slut" [I'm not sure if this is appropriate here or not. Max, I trust your judgement on this matter as well...]


  14. Hi, Mike. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for your vote. Hope everything is going well for you.

    Ummm, did I not mention that Chica was my friend? So I am going to take your comment as a joke and not come and burn down your wonderful blog. :)

    PS - I know you won't have much of a chance to use this dude, but Max lives in New Mexico, and... "Puta" is the word you would most use for slut. Chica means sort of like " little one", an endearing term for a young girl. Or "girlie", like girls themselves might call each other. Definitely NOT slut. Trust me on this.

    No harm done. Unless Chica herself has taken offense. In that case, Mike, I would be thinking about taking a long vacation if I were you. :)

    We are BOTH lucky she is a tolerant person. I am stretching the limits of our friendship here.

    PPS-You should know that I don't change or moderate comments. Own your words.

  15. Chica has my vote by a mile :)

    wonky eyes or not.

  16. I see Chica has been by your place to beg you to come vote for her. Well, a few pity-votes from her friends is to be expected. It is enough that, in your heart, you know damn well who you SHOULD have voted for, had you been honest. :)

    PS-And you can't vote 50 times. Stop it!

  17. Well gee if Chica meant slut or prostitute, that would just be a whole lot funner now wouldn't it? Max got it right though it means female or girl. It was a nickname I got when I was 13 from a really great friend of mine, and it just kind of stuck.

    Now Max, why include a poll if people are not even using it? Technically we are tied in the polls. So I suggest a draw. :p

    Although your sarcasm has lead me to believe I do indeed ramble on, and totally don't make sense, so I'll work things out, ramble a little less, and make a bit more sense. Miracles like that just can't happen overnight though. Gimme a month and I'll be in tip top bloggy shape.

  18. Chica you have my vote.

    Max will have enough votes of his own with his army, and "outgoing" personality (I think he is confusing outgoing with multiple, but whatever).

  19. Hello Caroline. In spite of your turncoat venom, it is still good to see your face again.


  20. I could not vote for who gave the best advise as I feel it would probably be a choice not listed, which is me.

    I would suggest that if she thinks muffdiving would solve her guy problem, then she is probably looking to validate her reasoning for WANTING to muffdive. And that probably means she feels guilty for those thoughts which probably means she was brought up as a catholic schoolgirl.... geez, I could go on and on and on............. but no one asked for my advise, so I vote for Tom. He answer had more "flavor."

  21. I'd say I win, because you all fell for it. Every. Single. One. Of. you.

    The person who was asking the question, is not even real.


  22. Of course I knew you were the one writing them. Duh.

    But why do you want to quit so early? It was just getting started. I have to explain some things to you about getting traffic, girl. Damn.

    Oh, well. I guess I might as well tell you all your votes were from me.

    So wipe that smile off your face. :)

  23. Who said I was smiling? I'm laughing at the pity you felt for me, in voting for me. I knew it was you already. It was either you or me, and I sure ain't that shallow!

    You must find a new name for me, I hate the name Karen, had an acquaintance once named Karen, and she wasn't the brightest bulb in the room ya know.

    Forget finding a name call me Kel dammit, after all it's part of what I was born with, shame on my mother.

  24. Okay. I accept your concession speech.

    I will call you Chica. And in private I will call you by your real name, Katrina.


  25. I think it was a bit obvious that the question was staged however being as I am a team player and all, I decided to play along. I still stick by my answer, as someone (not naming names but its also obvious) created the question and that person wants to muffdive.

  26. hrm ... I guess the vote tally speaks for itself. Chica by a mile. However, Max, I see some real therapy in your style!

  27. Dear Mr. Earnhardt: Thank you for stopping by and making a comment.

    PS-I thought you were dead. No?


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