Little is known about the mysterious blogger who calls itself Grumpus.
I have long been suspicious that it is not of our planet, even. Investigation and careful examination of the evidence leads one to the conclusion that Grumpus is from the planet Saturn, and I have stated this on several occasions.
Like the Coneheads of Saturday NIght Live fame, who always quickly stated that they were from France, whenever pressed, Grumpus always substitutes "British Columbia" for France. More often than not, people will accept that statement as truth. Grumpus depends on this acceptance for it's very survival.
Posing as a harmless snail, the entity known as Grumpus is, in real life, quite large indeed. I have seen it's shadow myself, and I can state with certainty that Grumpus is no snail.
Investigation and careful examination of small facts that the often careless creature leaves behind, gives even more insight into the extraterrestrial's habits. First, it is known to feed on a bland, green diet of unknown origin, looking much like the disgusting British dish called "Mushy Peas." Of course it is not Mushy Peas at all, but a life-sustaining protein found only in the caves under the surface of Saturn.
When not in its natural nocturnal habitat, Grumpus takes the form of a human female. I have carefully followed Grumpus for several weeks now, and have noticed its ability to change form at will, but always the form will be a human female of perhaps 25 to 35 years of age. I have even been successful in photographing the results of the transmorgrification of the Saturn creature (known more correctly as a "Santurian") several times, and I will be showing some of these actual photographs throughout this series. You should be aware that the Grumpus has the ability to take more than one female form at will, and does not have the need to look the same at any given time. Below is Grumpus #24. Note, as always, that the Saturian Command Module (SCM) is never far away. I have come to believe that this is somehow essential to Grumpus' very survival, as well as being needed, of course, to direct the bodily movements and thought processes of the human forms it inhabits.
Your advice really sucks. Do you think you could find someone else to answer my question? Thank you.
My new friend, Karen Price, who also calls herself "Chica" - even though she doesn't even know how to say "no" in Spanish - has come begging me to give her a few pointers about how to properly answer the mail at her new advice column blog called "Dear Chica." Her readers are leaving in droves, and "Chica" is desperate. In return for her doing my laundry for a month, I have graciously agreed to answer one of her flakey letters, and give her some pointers at the same time.
The following is a recent letter to Karen, ummm, "Chica". If you would like to see Chica's ridiculous answer to the below heart-rending plea for help, you can read it here. Then come back and read my own (correct) answer to this desperate young lady - as she should have been answered in the first place.
I find myself wondering if I should try dating girls. All the men I've ever dated treated me horribly, and most are just after my great looks. Should I try the lesbian scene for awhile, or continue searching for the right guy? Bi-Wonderous in MI
Relax Max's sensitive reply:
Of course you should try girls, dear. Pussy is where it's at. Yum!
No need to keep searching for the right guy, dear. Sadly, there is no such thing.
Anyone can readily see the succinct directness with which I answered this nice lady is far superior to the aimless ramblings of "Chica", on her blog.
Or, how about this gem?
Dear Chica, What makes you think your qualified to give advice? You can't fill the shoes of Dear Abby or Miss Manners alike. You are only 22 years old, and can't answer life's questions. People aren't asking you about shoes or what's on MTV, they are real personal life issues. You can't give that kind of advice. -Sal in WA
Dear Sal: Qualified? How much lower would my IQ have to be in order to be down on your level? Would I have to let someone hit me in the head with a hammer? Maybe have one of Petra's zombies suck out half my brain? I would STILL be using words you wouldn't understand, creepo. You don't get it, do you? This blog isn't to answer questions. It's to give me and my friends a place to laugh our asses off at pathetic losers like you who come crawling for "advice" from some hip chick's humor blog. C'mon, Sal. Spill your mama's boy guts. Have you ever had a girlfriend, Sal? Mwaaahahahahaha. Get your loser tosser ass out of here. Feckin' hoser. Next?
But a little more exposure of this "Chica" person should be done as well. First, let me show you a copy of the header picture from Chica's new blog:
Note two things. First, the play on words on her real name "Price" in the subtitle. Here, let me enlarge that for you:
Ok? Obviously, Chica is openly admitting her name is "Price", right? Secondly, note the blatant distortion in the header picture in an attempt to make Karen's eyes look normal. Below is the original photo of Chica, and at the right is how she doctored up the photo for her header:
Now, I am not here to criticize. Those of you who know and love Relax Max know very well how fair-minded and diplomatic I am. But, let's face it: Karen Price has an eye problem. Normally, I would think it was fine to take creative license and show yourself in your best light on your blog. BUT COME ON CHICA!!! You are supposed to be giving advice here. That requires a little honesty on your part. I think everyone reading this will side with Max and not Chica. Am I right?
Bottom line: who would YOU prefer to get advice from?
I rest my case.
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK AFTER READING MAX'S GOOD ANSWER AND CHICA'S POOR RAMBLING ANSWER:
The following post was blatantly stolen from little b's blog while she slept last night. She seldom comes by the pub, if ever, so I am pretty safe, I think. Knowing little b, she undoubtedly stole it from someone else anyway. I think it's funny.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 1. If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself. 2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop. 3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough. 7. You only need two tools in life - Q-20 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the Q-20. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape. 8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 9. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
Daily thought: Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
[Note: If #7 isn't funny, you are obviously an American. Substitute WD-40 for Q-20 and it will become funny to you.]
Besides fish & Chips, there is another classic food dish found at British pubs. Can anyone tell us what it is called? More importantly, can anyone give secret recipes or tell where the most delicious versions of this taste delight can be found? Name your favorite pub.
Note: pictures of nearly naked women can be emailed directly to: Max at boomerwebusa dot com Thank you. If the women are COMPLETELY naked, the email for that is Yummy at boomerwebusa.com Thank You. If it is outright pornography, send it to the Vicar Ezra please. Send it to Max at boomerwebusa.com and I will be sure he gets it promptly so it can be destroyed. Thank you. If any of you see Canucklehead, please email him to me at: Debbie at hotrocks dot com Thank you. If anyone happens to see ettarosmitchsassyfrasssue, please don't take any action. Thank you.
If you have any complaints about the posting of these kinds of semi-objectional photographs, please make a comment to the current post on either Chica's or Petra's blogs, as they handle this sort of thing for the pub. If you have a complaint about some other facet of this blog, or of the service at the pub in general, we want to hear from you immediately and have operators standing by 24/7. Call: 1-800-EATSHIT. Thank you.