Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Save time, call in your order

[March 25, 2010] Det. Lt. Michael Gagner of the Fairfield Police Department in Connecticut told reporters that they [police] had ample warning when it came to the robbery attempt at People’s United Bank branch in Fairfield. This is because the robbers decided to go the ‘easy’ route and call ahead to place a to-go order for the cash.

The alleged attempted bank robbers apparently called the bank and demanded that the teller get a bag of cash, containing one hundred thousand dollars, and have it ready for them when they showed up to get it. The alleged attempted robber went on to say that if the money was not ready, there would be a “blood bath.”

According to the Sgt, James Perez, the two men, residents of Bridgeport, 27-year-old Albert Bailey and an unidentified 16-year-old boy, showed up within ten minutes of making the phone call, and were arrested by the police on charges of attempted robbery and threats. He said that the two males were “not too bright.”

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Thank God it wasn't Punxsutawney Phil

Punxsutawney PA March 27 (AP) - Police say they charged a Pennsylvania man with public drunkenness after he was seen trying to resuscitate a long-dead opossum along a highway.

State Police trooper Jamie Levier says several witnesses saw 55-year-old Donald Wolfe, of Brookville, near the animal Thursday along Route 36, about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh.

The trooper says one person saw Wolfe kneeling before the animal and gesturing as though he were conducting a seance. He says another saw Wolfe attempting to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

The AP says they couldn't find a home phone number to contact Wolfe for comment.

I know, I know. Phil is a groundhog. Still, thank God.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Repulsiveness R Us, Part 47: What has Algore's internet wrought now?

Subject: Found a moth in my stool.
Category: Entertainment & Pop Culture

26 minutes ago Dennis "are you not entertained?" A. says: It was the size of a quarter - Is it time to call a doctor?
It kinda freaked me out....i started thinking about 80s horror movies where insects would take over people's bodies.

25 minutes ago Tony "Get me off this crazy thing!" A. says: wow, I never look close enough to see what's in my stool.... nor have a desire to look :)

24 minutes ago Kim W. says: what did it taste like? I find that the corn often has a nice nutty flavor.

23 minutes ago Frank "The Time Traveling Rabbit" Z. says: Did your sh*t come out like dust?

21 minutes ago Marie "knit master" K. says: I only clicked on this thread because I thought, "Maybe Dennis made a type-o like the way he misspelled 'mout.'"

21 minutes ago Frank "The Time Traveling Rabbit" Z. says: Does anyone make moth ball suppositories?

20 minutes ago Kim W. says: Think hard. Were you eating light bulbs last night?

20 minutes ago Frank "The Time Traveling Rabbit" Z. says: Does it smell like grandma's house?

20 minutes ago K "X" O. says: I'm pretty sure it couldn't survive in your body. Now worms....that's another story *shivers*

19 minutes ago Frank "The Time Traveling Rabbit" Z. says: This thread makes me want to put on some coveralls, sit in a rocker on the porch, and watch Dennis sh*t near a bug zapper.

19 minutes ago steven r. says: What did the moth say to Dennis? Made you look!

19 minutes ago Dennis "are you not entertained?" A. says: I tried to come up with a scenario, but cannot - for the life of me - figure out how a quarter sized moth could end up....there....

18 minutes ago Mike Z. says: If you eat a lot of cheese and don't shit for a few days, you might find caterpillars in your stool. How awesome would that be?

18 minutes ago Christina "get your dick out of your heart" S. says: Does it smell like the bus going through chinatown?

18 minutes ago Alice A. says: Call CDC. It probably laid its clutch of eggs inside of you before it succumbed.

18 minutes ago Miles "Farmer Ted" F. says: Oh crap, is it a death's head moth?

15 minutes ago Frank "The Time Traveling Rabbit" Z. says: Could you go back and sh*t a couple more times? I need an Elephant Beetle and a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach for my entomology class.

14 minutes ago Alexandra "the Tsaritsa-- Get thee to a nunnery!" N. says: Dennis "are you not entertained?" A. says: Maybe it flew into the crap after you had expelled it? They do turn to dust when you touch them, I always have moths in my apartment.

11 minutes ago Mike Z. says: Have you checked the poop report? http://www.poopreport....

11 minutes ago Dennis "are you not entertained?" A. says: Sasha - i hope that's what happened. Ether that, or it sought sanctuary in between my cheeks moments before.....

10 minutes ago Kelly G. says: This is the grossest thread I have ever read. That being said, DENNIS..STOP TRIPPIN'. You swallowed a moth during sleep most likely. We all consume a certain number of bugs each year, mostly when we are asleep.

8 minutes ago Mike Z. says: If it exists there's a website for it.

7 minutes ago Tsada K. says: Fishbits says we swallow 2-3 spiders per year.

6 minutes ago Alexandra "the Tsaritsa-- Get thee to a nunnery!" N. says: There was a spider crawling in my bed last night and I just flicked it away, but it makes you wonder how many insects use your body as their wonderland...

5 minutes ago steven r. says: I can top that. Found a butterfly in mine.

4 minutes ago Frank "The Time Traveling Rabbit" Z. says: How would said moth survive the enzymes en route to the stomach where hydrochloric acid awaits? Accept the fact that Dennis has a magician's ass. Sheesh!

3 minutes ago Pablo "Tr0oGl0dite" D. says: Moths and flies carry tape worms. Yeah, That's not a rubber band.

3 minutes ago Frank "The Time Traveling Rabbit" Z. says: Dennis, could you sh*t me some chicken and waffles? I'm hungry.

2 minutes ago Mike Z. says: I think it's been discredited, but I like the rumor that spiders drink the spittle from the corner of your mouth and the fluid from your eyes while you sleep.

1 minute ago Alexandra "the Tsaritsa-- Get thee to a nunnery!" N. says: Mike, don't forget about the Snapple bottle cap fact that we eat 8 spiders per year! High in protein!

Note: Post-heading picture of Al Gore claimed as Fair Use

Thanks to

Saturday, March 13, 2010

My idea of what a pub is. Or was.

In the early days of British rule in America, travel was by horse on really bad trails. I hesitate to call them actual roads. Along the way were "inns" where one could stop for the night and put up his horses. These came to be called public houses. You could get something to eat and a bed for the night. Sometimes you had to share your bed with a stranger, I've read. It wasn't very long before the landlord also discovered he should be serving alcoholic beverages as well. Maybe 8 or 9 minutes it took him to figure this out.

In my mind, this was the beginnings of the concept of pubs (which is still short for public house, I think) in America. Public houses for travelers had been around much longer than that in Europe, of course.

Today, in America, the concept has changed. Now we have bars. In my mind, a bar and a pub are two different things. Bars in America evolved from the concept of public houses. The name of the game at first was the same as a pub: hospitality, fellowship, a place to unwind with people you knew (more or less.) Today, in America, there are still neighborhood bars, of course, and there are bars in small towns where people still know each other (more or less) but more and more American bars are just places to go to drink. Food sometimes. Friends sometimes. But mostly to drink. Sometimes it isn't very pretty.

The laws have gotten more and more intrusive until one can't really go to a bar anymore like one could years ago. The bartender has to keep track of how many drinks you've had and probably even will have to find someone to drive you home if he doesn't want to get sued. In America, those days of drinking and then dragging yourself out to your car are gone. That's a good thing. Time was the horse knew the way home, but fewer and fewer Americans drive buggies anymore.

Besides the regular bars, you have your entertainment joints where loud music is supposed to bring in more drinkers. And you have the food joints where the food is supposed to bring in families, and drinking is secondary. Oh, you have pubs in America, but they are by design. Patterned after English pubs and probably franchised. They offer "authentic" fish and chips and 137 kinds of micro-brewery wares. Tres chic.

To me, you have to search far and wide to find a real "pub" in America. I don't drink anymore to speak of, so I am not motivated to search - so maybe you CAN'T find a real pub in America.

That brings me to describing what I think a pub really is, Britishly speaking. I may be wrong.

1. It is a pretty old building. It has been there for a long time. It has seen generations come and go. A lot of old pubs with "atmosphere" have probably closed down in recent years, either due to not being able to compete or just getting fed up with new laws.

2. It is a neighborhood thing. People go there not just to drink, but to be with other people they know. Like the fictional Cheers in Boston, everybody knows your name. It is not just a place to drink. It is a club of sorts. It is a place to hang out. Strangers come in, for sure; I'm not saying it is a REAL club. Often the unknown faces are guests of regulars though, I would think.

3. Furnishings are wood chairs and high-backed booths and wooden tables. There are exceptions, but I don't see much padding and plastic covers in my American vision of an English pub.

4. Food. You can get a sandwich in a pub. Or some fish and chips maybe. Some have house specialties. Bangers and mash. Pasties. Things I have only come to learn about in the past couple of years. The so-called "gastric pubs" (what a horrible name) you can keep, I think. If I want to go to a fine restaurant, then I will go to a fine restaurant. I'll order a drink with my meal. I won't expect to sit on a wooden chair in front of a roaring fire in the winter and wash down my sandwich with heady stout.

If I had to come up with a one word description for "pub", I suppose it would be "atmosphere". If I just want to get drunk, I'll pick up a 12-pack of Bud Light on my way home from work.

I've never been in an authentic English pub, because I've never been to England. How far off am I?

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


You are stranded on a desert island with Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin and a Lawyer.

You have a gun, but only two bullets. What do you do?

Answer: shoot the lawyer twice.