Thursday, October 30, 2008

Sunday, October 26, 2008

My blog is meh

Ok, so it isn't exactly the Golden Cock award. But it's from my buddy Canucklehead, so ::sniff:: thank you.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Friday, October 24, 2008

Batman's parents are dead

Disclaimer: I did not steal this from Grumpus. I stole it from someplace else. No one was more surprised when I saw this on Grumpus' blog. But I did not take it from her. I swear.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

In case you've forgotten his real personality...

Yeah Caroline, Max is a real winner all right. You people are all starry-eyed but I have to live with the little pervert. Apparently you don't frequent the same blogs as I do. Just in case you think Max has reformed and it is ok to invite the little shit into your living room, here's another recent comment you missed:

Cult of Qelqoth By Relax Max on Oct 11, 2008

"Well, I didn’t rape her. Pretty sure of that. I didn’t finish though. I’m pretty sure she did. Maybe it wasn’t her after all. But she had a limo. And a big fucking driver who threw me and my cumless dick out on the pavement in a really bad part of town. Thank God.

Ummm, what the fuck blog am I on again?"
Oh, yeah. That's class all right.

And how crass was he to poor EttaRose at first? Did she deserve that kind of treatment?

And poor Chica? How quickly they forget! Here is Max's fake picture of Chica (who Max called "Karen Price" just to be mean.)

Oh, yeah. That's showing the love to one of this sorry blog's most loyal followers.

I won't even go into how he relentlessly attacked Debbie. To the point she had to get outside therapy. She still refuses to follow this blog because of what he did to her.

And he has the audacity to brag about the Canucklehead Wars. There wouldn't even have been any Canucklehead Wars if Max hadn't stolen Canucklehead's EntreWidget picture off Canuck's blog and made up a fake post that said how much Canucklehead idolized Max. And he didn't even know him. That takes balls. And I don't suppose you have any idea what he did to the Amazon leader in her tent after the battle, either. Oooooooh Noooooo. What a loser!

Go ahead. Love him. Like I said, I have to live with him.

PS - He doesn't bathe either.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Its All About Max

I am sure like me you are by now very fond of the lovable pub dog... what lovable pub dog am I talking about you ask? Surely I can't be meaning that mischievous max? Well I most certainly do.

He's been keeping us entertained both here and over at Britishspeak for quite some time now.

As he occasionally has some nice things to say about us, be it on our birthday or to mark some other event, I thought perhaps we could repay the favour. Why not comment with your favourite Relax Max quote?

To get us started mine has to be

"Still not sure why y'all would bother to actually go to the trouble of saying something so complicted when a simple American "Fuck this shit" would do the trick."
from More Football, More Words, More Confusion (I kept his typo there on purpose, I was going to correct it, but then realised it would not be a correct quotation if I did so - sorry Max.)

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Humor Carnival

Please go check out the extreme mirth at EttaRose's Humor Carnival.

Go on. Just do it!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Relax Max in recovery: a 12-step program

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to our busy friend Claire.

We know this is not exactly the best of times for you, but we are all with you. Hope you have a party. We are having one for you today. Drinks are on the house. But then they always are for Claire. Many happy returns to a classy lady who has always been there for everybody I know. Cheers!

From your pals at the Slap and Tickle.

Stop by her blog and say happy birthday to Claire. Keep your other compliments sparse, please. She already knows.  Just leave her a kiss. That'll be okay.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Some Zombies for Petra

I have a friend who reviews B movies and blogs about zombies. Go figure. She writes pretty good poetry, too. She is weird. You may know her. If you do, you must be weird too.

I chose a few photographs at random of people who sort of look like the living dead. Only they are not really dead. I don't think.

Here they are. For Petra. I hope they will cheer her up.

(Top to bottom: The Algore, HelenThomas [world's oldest living Whitehouse press zombie and bushbasher extraordinaire]; Mick Mars [of some 80s band called Motley Crue]; Amy "Blow" Winehouse; Aerosmith's Steven Tyler. Note: there is an outside possibility that the photo of Tyler may belong to something called Bruno Press. I can't be sure.)

I once knew a redhead named Paytra
Whom all the boys wanted to daytra
She would bury them alive
Mumbo Jumbo and jive
Then roaming the earth was their faytra

With apologies to my Princess. She knows she's first.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The real no frills airline

Now offering non-stop service from Lancaster to Harrisburg. (Pictured: the Zebadiah Zephyr. "Pride of the Amish") Click on photo for even greater enjoyment.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Escaping from the Amish

— Rules my parents made up —

Growing up Amish is hard enough all by itself. There are plenty of built-in rules when you are an Amish child. But my parents had many special rules for me in addition to the regular rules. Some of these rules were passed down through generations, and the reasons for many of the special rules were lost over the years. Still, we continued to uphold these special rules, and my parents enforced them religiously. Of course. Here are some of these special Amish children rules that I remember, before I escaped from the Amish. The rules are given in no particular order.

Build your own barn. Grow your own food. Sew your own clothes. I can't remember a time when these basic rules were not being drilled into me.

No brushing your teeth and no dentists allowed. It was perfectly ok to own a toothbrush, and it was perfectly okay to make dental appointments, but you were not allowed to keep them.

All good Amish keep receipts. In a restaurant or 7-11 store, you will never hear an Amish patron say, "I don't need the receipt." These are kept in old Danish Cookie tins and burned on New Year's Day.

Overdue library books. Actually this is such a complicated subject that it will require a separate post.

Huddling rules. These are extremely ritualistic and cannot be explained to you English.

Plastic statues of all kinds are prohibited.

Do Amish wear underwear? (Not premitted to tell outsiders.)

Violin-making. The making of violins in Amish households is certainly permitted. However the actual playing of violins is not allowed. I have often thought this fact might be part of the reason Amish violins are not in high demand, rather than simply a lack of effective advertising. It goes without saying that Banjo manufacturing is strictly prohibited, as it should be in the outside world as well.

Yard wrestling. I am often asked if the wrestling of heavy leather dummies is permitted at large Amish gatherings, such as barn raisings. The answer is no. This is very much a bootleg enterprise, much like cockfighting. I am not saying that the sight of a grown man rolling around on the grass with a heavy leather dummy is without a certain appeal, or that it doesn’t go on in certain circles, but it is officially banned.

Any travel, whether by horse, tricycle, or on foot, on streets named “Leonard” is strictly prohibited.

The drinking of water is, of course, permitted in any quantity and at any time. However, the cup should be held in the right hand (exception: those who have lost their right arms in threshing accidents are exempt) and water may not be consumed within 12 minutes of eating any quantity of pumpkin pie. The only exception to this rule is if your maternal grandmother was at one time a Methodist. (Must carry written proof of this on your person.)

The travel in any public conveyance (Trains, Planes, or Automobiles) is strictly prohibited. I hasten to add that it is not improper to buy a ticket for an airplane or train, but it is not allowed to actually use that ticket. This rule led to an unusual childhood incident that stayed in my mind for years. It is covered in a separate post entitled “The Great Ambulance Scuffle.”

I forgot to mention that it is ok to get into the back seat of a police car. (Amish have a general aversion to being tased, at least in public.)

Donkey Kong prohibited to me as a youth. But we had no TV or electricity anyway.

No more than 2 dogs allowed on the bed for warmth in the winter, unless it is cold enough to be an official Three Dog Night.

The viewing of Amish porn before marriage was not permitted in our family. If you are over 18 you may click on the link for an example of Amish porn.

My entry in Ettarose's Humor Carnival.

Thursday, October 2, 2008