Thursday, August 28, 2008

Pissed as a newt

Pub definitions: levels of intoxications:

1. A little drunk, tipsy: Squiffy

2. Drunk: Bevvied, Bladdered, Half cut, Mullered, Plastered, Rat arsed, Sloshed, Snockered, Sozzled, Wellied,

3. Really drunk: Paralytic

Canuckleheads Cat: Paralyzed Pussy...

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Really bad pub jokes: an invitation

You are invited to comment with jokes that have to do with pubs/bars. I will start you off with a few.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws.
Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.' Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Cavan.

He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda.' I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.
Mary was asleep in bed when her husband, Patrick, crashed through the front door at 3 am waking her up. He staggered through the hallway and tried to get up the stairs.

'What are you doing?' Mary shouted.
Patrick replied, 'I'm trying to get this gallon of beer up the stairs.'

'Leave it down there, Patrick', Mary bellowed. 'I can't, 'Patrick replied, 'I've drunk it.'
Neil was in a pub, extremely drunk. The barman, Simon, noticed this, and when Neil asked for another whisky, the barman politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink.

Neil leaves. He walks out of the pub and in again at the side door and asks Simon for a double whisky. A little frustrated, Simon repeats the answer he had said earlier.

Neil, again leaves and enters through a further side door, walks up to the barman and asks for a Scotch. Simon is now quite annoyed, and tells Neil he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave the pub.

Once more, Neil leaves. Again he comes in, this time through the back door. Neil walks up to the barman and before he can say a word, Simon explodes at him, 'I told you already, you are way too drunk, you can not have another whisky. Get out of my bar!'

Disgruntled, Neil glares at Simon and asks, 'Man, how many bars do you work at?'

Monday, August 25, 2008

Canucklehead update

If you follow this blog, then you know that one of our best supporters is my pal Canucklehead. He is always there for me.

And, if you follow his blog too, then you know he recently became a father again. We ran a photo of his second son as a newborn not too long ago. The above is an update. What a good-looking young man! Second in line to the Canucklehead dynasty!

Canucklehead cracks me up. As always. I was reading his blog today (and stole this pic of his son while there) and, as always, enjoyed some of Canucklehead's choice humor. He said he was thinking about putting the baby on Jenny Craig, that he had more chins than a Chinese phonebook. But the pride was showing through. We're proud too, for Mr. and Mrs. Canucklehead. My buddy Linc.

Canadian breast milk rules!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Firefox questions

As some of you know, I am a Mac user. Safari is Apple's browser, so that is what I have used for a long time. I have never tried to use Safari on a PC, so I don't know how well the PC version of Safari works. I suspect not as well as it does natively on a Mac. (I do own a PC, but I only need turn it on to raise my blood pressure. And actually trying to do my work on a PC is simply too frustrating. Different strokes for different folks. So I have never tried Safari for PC.)

The other day I was trying to find out why my Mac was running slowly under certain circumstances. Since a virus is hardly the first thing one checks when troubleshooting a Mac, I began to examine the applications I frequently use, and when I slapped an Activity Monitor on Safari, I quickly saw it was hemorrhaging RAM. Big time memory leak. And so I blew the dust off Firefox, the only other browser I have chosen to use, and cranked it up.

As you might surmise, I am not fluent in FirefoxSpeak. Safari has always done all I want and much more, so I never have learned to speak the Firefox language. But until Apple gets up off their arse and fixes Safari (as usual, they are simply stonewalling and trying to pretend there is no problem with Safari for Mac) I will be using Firefox.

I should explain that I have tried to use Firefox in the past, and found it to be a good sturdy little bugger, but clunkier than an old Model-T Ford. (Version 2) It is so obviously PC-oriented, that I quickly went back to Safari. Now that I am sort of forced to use Firefox, for a while at least, I want to learn a few things about it. Hence this post. If you don't mind. I am assuming most of you are PC users, and therefore are in love with Firefox. So, won't you please give me a hand here with a couple of questions?

Let me limit it to two specific questions right now and leave the rest for later.

1. When you type an address into Firefox, it doesn't "self-complete" like Safari does. Instead it acts like the terrible Bill Gates creation called "Internet Explorer" - it only gives you a list of choices from its memory or places that start with those letters, and you have to stop what you are typing and go down and perform the extra step of selecting an item from the list. I hate that. If I want to perform extra steps or constantly interact with dialog windows, I will simply use a PC. there a Firefox preference I haven't yet been able to find which will allow the address to simply self-complete in the address field of the browser? Or is it something I will simply have to knuckle down and do it the PC way?

[Here I should interject that I have since "upgraded" to version 3 of Firefox, and am really not finding a difference in interface intuitivity.]

2. The use of tabs. In Firefox, you seem to only have a preference choice between things opening in a new window or opening in a tab in one window. Is this correct? - I mean, you truly can't simply command it to open a list of selected items in tabs all at once? I really miss this feature that I used a lot in Safari. For example, I have a core list of maybe 25 good friends that I want to "drop" on, for sure, every single day, and that I want to comment on their blogs. In Safari, I simply put all these friends URLs into one "Good Friends" bookmarks folder and then, at will, I could simply right-click on that folder and be presented with an option to "open all these items in tabs". Can't seem to work that out in Firefox - I am having to go down the list of bookmarks and do it one at a time. With Safari, I could visit all the sites one by one in order and drop and comment, and by simply closing the tab, the next site window would automatically appear for me to drop on. Help!

Thanks, guys.

Monday, August 18, 2008


1 cup sugar
3 cups water
four 3-inch strips lemon zest, removed with a vegetable peeler
1 cup fresh lemon juice
2 fresh mint sprigs
chilled beer, such as pale ale

In a small saucepan bring sugar and 1 cup water to a boil, stirring until sugar is dissolved, and stir in zest. Cool sugar syrup to room temperature.

Transfer syrup to a small pitcher and stir in remaining 2 cups water, lemon juice, and mint. Chill lemonade until cold. (Makes about 4 1/2 cups lemonade.)

Pour 1/4 cup lemonade, or to taste, into each of 4 chilled beer glasses and top off with beer.

[Catherine, please write this down in the official pub drink recipe guide. Thanks.]

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Caroline heads home

Caroline, Slap & Tickle landlady, is off for a visit home on Thursday. She will be gone probably a whole month. We all wish her a good time.

I am a little reluctant to call it a "holiday" since Caroline is from England, and that means it is more of a homecoming than a holiday. But since she has been away for quite a while now, it probably qualifies as a holiday.

Caroline has her own blogs, Song Of Happiness which I will probably run into the ground while she is gone, and Caromie. But she has always been at least the "honorary" landlady here at the pub, and has always been a staunch supporter from day one. Caroline designed the Slap & Tickle logo with the hand and the feather on a black background. As I write this, it occurs to me that some Americans who read this blog don't know what the words Slap & Tickle mean.

(Hint: read this old post on BritishSpeak by Claire, and you will learn what Slap & Tickle means, along with a whole lot of other British filth.)

Caroline is from the Northeast of England, where I presume she will be spending most of her holiday time, or a good part of it, anyway. Nothing says "party" like a visit to a small town in Durham in August, right? Right. Rumor has it they have erected a bronze statue of Caroline in the village square with a plaque on it that reads, "The One Who Escaped." I'm kidding, of course. I myself grew up in a small town. In Michigan. The big difference between Caroline and me is I'm not fucking going back. Her small town is also the birthplace of actor Rowan Atkinson. The Bean. No monument to Rowan I don't think. He escaped too. Seriously, I loved my small town when I was growing up, and I know Caroline does too. I only joke with her.

I've heard they talk funny in that part of England. Well, to an American, you ALL talk funny. But especially so from there. Caroline doesn't talk like that though. In fact, to me, Caroline sounds Aussie. Go figure. A kangaroo chick in Durham.
Have a good time, Caroline. Send photos and Twitter. Be safe. We will miss you.

[Slap & Tickle definition and Doodle by Claire. Click image to enlarge. Used with permission.]

Sunday, August 10, 2008

More good than bad, I thought

There were several deficiencies and glitches, but all in all I think the first attempt at a virtual pub party was a success. I had fun anyway. I will learn from this experience so next time it will run smoother (and I want there to be a next time.)

I didn't actually count them, there must have been close to 50 "real comments." (Those not made by myself in answer to somebody else's comment.) So that was pretty cool. Nobody really got wasted enough to make the silly comments I was hoping for, so there won't be much making fun of people today. It was my hope to be able to make some of my friends feel pretty bad today, but no such luck. Some got pretty wasted, but even those were under control. Mostly.

Next time, I want to get more heavily into real games. I thought that would take care of itself, but it didn't really work out. Next time I will do the right thing and have the ladies plan the activities and leave the drinking and dumbassing up to the men. I would want to think of a better way to handle the food issue too. Catherine was fighting a losing battle on that this time. A little more organization, but not so much as to not still be fun.

One of the unexpected fun things, I thought, (for me, at least) was the use of the chat box for live conversations. We often talk one on one with each other, but last night we were able to have several people in group discussions, and that was fun. Much of this "group chat" happened late in the day, and in the early morning hours, and it had the feeling of friends just sitting around the campfire at the end of the day. It was fun "listening" to your friends talk just as much as it was talking yourself.

So, I say let's not give up on making the pub a place where our little group can gather. There were awkward moments and things that didn't come off like I wanted, but my test is: "Did I have fun, overall?"

Yes. Yes, I had fun. I hope you guys did too.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Party Time

This will our party post to comment on. Please check in from time to time and don't let your progressive inebriation keep you from commenting! I will post pictures from time to time so you will be able to see what is going on at the pub. Do it!

Catherine is here at 7:02 GMT. My kind of Party Girl!

A. Checked in at 7:14 and already with a head start! She came with a drink already in her hand! Woot!

Debbie showed at 7:16, but she is refusing to drink! Looking for smooth boys....

Claire is here at 7:50. Wants to eat. (Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?)

Canucklehead is on the premises at 8:20. Takes his pants off. Oh, man! Don't do that until later!

Already waiting for the stippers' first performance. I'm not sure if pictures are allowed, ladies!
Anybody thirsty yet?

The ladies are enoying the strippers and cream show!

A. is still standing. Well, what do you know! White wine. Or is that a martini?

Chica says she only drinks Pepsi. So what is this? Maybe her avatar drinks beer.

Or whatever it is.

Drinking Games:

Pub Closed today until Noon MDT (7pm GMT)

Regulars may still enter through rear, but you must help decorate if you come early!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Party news: it could happen

Although I am admittedly having trouble setting up certain portions of the entertainment for the pub party tomorrow, I did want you to know that I thoroughly enjoyed the entertainment at the awards banquet that Lord Likely provided as part of my Golden Cock award. Of course, I had to travel back in time to see it, and there is hardly enough room in the time machine for more than three people, but I did want to share some of the excitement with you.

Probably this is not going to happen at our party, either between Petra and Claire, or between Petra and Chica. Or between anyone else. Pole and lap Dancers, hen-party male strippers (of the natural hairy kind, and smooth boy belly shotters are still on as far as I know.
Last night at the pub we held the preliminary round of the pool tournament. The finals will be held Saturday at the party. Caroline beat Claire last night in the semi (three-hand division) but Claire has lodged a protest over Caroline's "double-double" technique, so it is still up in the air. See photo below.

In the above photo, we see Caroline playing with herself as Claire waits her turn for a shot at her in the 3-way elimination round last night at the Slap and Tickle. Caroline won quite easily, in fact Claire took quite a pounding as she just couldn't seem to get her balls to drop all night. However, a formal protest has been lodged, with Claire contending that the rules do not allow for double-avataring, and that such tactics amount to piling on. Both ladies are from the North of England. The finals will be held Saturday night.
[Expert PhotoShopping by Chica. Thanks Chica.]

Wednesday, August 6, 2008


Still trying to organize party for Saturday night. I haven't worked out the time difference problem. Should we have 2 parties? Or just let the party start at 2 pm in the U.S. so for the British it will be 7 pm? Because if we start at 7 pm, U.S. Eastern Time, it will already be like midnight in the UK. I really hadn't taken that into consideration, I'm afraid. Perhaps the pub can just be open and decorated and people can stop by when they feel like it. That won't be the same though. Is it just not workable? Never say never! We need to have a party people!

"The Golden Cock Spurts Forth Once More"

Relax Max awarded prestigious Golden Cock Award

Guest post by Tanisha Watkins

London, 5th August, 1857

There is probably no larger award, nor one more coveted in the world of pornographic writing than the Golden Cock Award — which is presented only to a select deserving few by the inestimable Lord Likely, Aristocratic Adventurer and Gentle-man of Action.

Today His Lordship bestowed this unimaginable honor on one of the minor contributors to this humble blog, one Relax Max. Mr. Max was known in Victorian times as "Lord Max de Relax, lord of Britishspeak".

The award was presented to 11 very talented and well-known bloggers, one tenacious groupie, and, of course to Relax Max. Mr. Max attended the awards ceremony personally yesterday, time-traveling  to Victorian London with three of his fellow award-winning bloggers, Dame Ettarose from The Edge of Sanity, Lady Linda de Mouseski from Are We There Yet?, and Sir Canucklehead, an obscure minor blogger from Ontario, blogging as Canucklehead.

There were tears in the eyes of many in the audience as Relax Max, dressed in resplendent 1850s formal attire, crossed the stage and, bowing respectfully in the awesome presence of Lord Likely himself, accepted his award. His Lordship smiled at his apt pupil fondly as he handed him the Golden Cock (modeled, of course on Lord Palmerston itself) and read the citation to accompany the award: "To Lord Max de Relax of Britishspeak, for his sterling work in attempting to bring together Great Britain and the Quite Good United States of America, his fine guest-writings and for running an excellent little pub called the Slap and Tickle. Bravo."

The applause was deafening, continuing on for some 8 or 10 minutes, all in attendance on their feet and cheering as well. Mr. Max was visibly moved, although his eyes remained steadily fixed on the young lady holding the trophy to be presented.

Mr. Max's words of acceptance were appropriately brief as he took his new cock in hand:

"Well, what a fine surprise, milord! I shall display this upstanding award with pride at the Slap & Tickle Pub, in the trophy case alongside the larger casting of my own dangly bits. Thank you! Thank you!

"Happily, I arrived early, and was pleased to see the wide smile and exclamations of joy of my friend Lady Linda de Mouseski as I watched her happily receive her cock.

"But I missed my always-helpful friend Dame Ettarose from The Edge of Sanity getting her cock. Dame Ettarose had informed me the night before that she would be more than happy to cum here, and to take both cocks if I wanted, but in the end I was happy to handle my own in person.

"I also was quite eager to see how Sir Canucklehead of Canada would accept the big golden cock, but sadly was disabused of that lasting mental image as well.

"Hooray! I now rise up and congratulate my fellow winners. For my own Part, I am relieved that the tension has finally reached its inevitable climax; truly I runneth over m'lord."

The giant Golden Cock, only slightly smaller than the model of Mr. Max's own, will be placed next to it in the display case near the entrance of the Slap & Tickle, so that regulars may honor it as they cum in the pub.
[A special note to the followers of these blogs: It has been decided to reassign our colleague Tanisha Watkins, rather than execute her. Rather than continuing as a personal stealth agent for the webmaster, she will instead be assigned writing duties. As is evident from this, her first post, she has much to learn about writing, not to mention choice of subject material. But we will put her in training as she seems to have at least some writing potential.]

Monday, August 4, 2008

Just the way we used to like it

Oh, that terribly clever British humor! So meaningless in the U.S., so provocative among(st) the Eton chaps. This one was constructed by Prince Harry, A.'s current RF idol.

It is all I can manage to post this filth. And then only for research purposes. ::Blush::

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Yellowtail has asked if Max is bipolar. Obviously not. He has only been practicing for the party. Woot. Yellowtail is going down. Don't I wish.

Mad Monk or Inside Trader? Thankfully, you'll not have to choose, because Relax Max at the Slap & Tickle Pub k skillfullyk combines both of these timeless topics by weaving a tapestry containing both the repeated lesbian rape of Home Living diva-cum-Inside Trader Martha Stewart during her recent unfair incarceration, AND the last night of Grigory Rasputin, Father Confessor and personal cuckold of the last Russian Tsar. An unlikely subject combination for a family-oriented blog, you say? Withhold judgement until you witness firsthand the smooth, often seamless integration of these seemingly disparate, yet charmingly poignant subjects by the incredibly talented writer(s) at The Slap & Tickle Pub. Oh yez. You know it.
Thanks to Kelly, the one who used to like me, for the inspiration. The Whiffenpoof's assembled. We are poor little lambs who have lost our way. Blah Blah Blah.
Apologies to Kelly Naylor
Apologies to Yale University
Apologies to Rudyard Kipling
Apologies to Yassar Arafat
Apologies to Nicholas Romanov
Apologies to apologists
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
Apologies to Danielle
Apologies to Air Force radio operators everywhere
Aplologies to the readers of this bog
I mean blog
God bless Mickey Lolich ad Denny McClain
RIP Norm Cash, Dennis Wilson, and Natalie Wood
Put a light in the window and go spend a penny

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Fenways for Petra & RB

(Click on pics to enlarge)