Wednesday, August 6, 2008

"The Golden Cock Spurts Forth Once More"

Relax Max awarded prestigious Golden Cock Award

Guest post by Tanisha Watkins

London, 5th August, 1857

There is probably no larger award, nor one more coveted in the world of pornographic writing than the Golden Cock Award — which is presented only to a select deserving few by the inestimable Lord Likely, Aristocratic Adventurer and Gentle-man of Action.

Today His Lordship bestowed this unimaginable honor on one of the minor contributors to this humble blog, one Relax Max. Mr. Max was known in Victorian times as "Lord Max de Relax, lord of Britishspeak".

The award was presented to 11 very talented and well-known bloggers, one tenacious groupie, and, of course to Relax Max. Mr. Max attended the awards ceremony personally yesterday, time-traveling  to Victorian London with three of his fellow award-winning bloggers, Dame Ettarose from The Edge of Sanity, Lady Linda de Mouseski from Are We There Yet?, and Sir Canucklehead, an obscure minor blogger from Ontario, blogging as Canucklehead.

There were tears in the eyes of many in the audience as Relax Max, dressed in resplendent 1850s formal attire, crossed the stage and, bowing respectfully in the awesome presence of Lord Likely himself, accepted his award. His Lordship smiled at his apt pupil fondly as he handed him the Golden Cock (modeled, of course on Lord Palmerston itself) and read the citation to accompany the award: "To Lord Max de Relax of Britishspeak, for his sterling work in attempting to bring together Great Britain and the Quite Good United States of America, his fine guest-writings and for running an excellent little pub called the Slap and Tickle. Bravo."

The applause was deafening, continuing on for some 8 or 10 minutes, all in attendance on their feet and cheering as well. Mr. Max was visibly moved, although his eyes remained steadily fixed on the young lady holding the trophy to be presented.

Mr. Max's words of acceptance were appropriately brief as he took his new cock in hand:

"Well, what a fine surprise, milord! I shall display this upstanding award with pride at the Slap & Tickle Pub, in the trophy case alongside the larger casting of my own dangly bits. Thank you! Thank you!

"Happily, I arrived early, and was pleased to see the wide smile and exclamations of joy of my friend Lady Linda de Mouseski as I watched her happily receive her cock.

"But I missed my always-helpful friend Dame Ettarose from The Edge of Sanity getting her cock. Dame Ettarose had informed me the night before that she would be more than happy to cum here, and to take both cocks if I wanted, but in the end I was happy to handle my own in person.

"I also was quite eager to see how Sir Canucklehead of Canada would accept the big golden cock, but sadly was disabused of that lasting mental image as well.

"Hooray! I now rise up and congratulate my fellow winners. For my own Part, I am relieved that the tension has finally reached its inevitable climax; truly I runneth over m'lord."

The giant Golden Cock, only slightly smaller than the model of Mr. Max's own, will be placed next to it in the display case near the entrance of the Slap & Tickle, so that regulars may honor it as they cum in the pub.
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[A special note to the followers of these blogs: It has been decided to reassign our colleague Tanisha Watkins, rather than execute her. Rather than continuing as a personal stealth agent for the webmaster, she will instead be assigned writing duties. As is evident from this, her first post, she has much to learn about writing, not to mention choice of subject material. But we will put her in training as she seems to have at least some writing potential.]

14 comments:

  1. Congratulations to Max for receiving such a prestigious award.

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  2. Hey Max, if you need someone to look after that award, just let me know.

    Sorry I wasn't around to help you out yesterday, I had one too many mojito's with the girls.

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  3. You must keep Tanisha around, assuming she isn't you, which I'm not for certain isn't. Until further proof, I'll sit on the fence.

    A golden cock though, now that'll look nice around here. Speaking of golden cocks, some actress somewhere had a golden dildo once, saw it on that mind-numbing VH1 channel. Who in their right mind would need a golden rod? Beats me. Not the rod, the confusion of why.

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  4. Chica - I am sorry he has confused you even more. I think he was trying to clear things up on that other post. But he probably didn't do a very good job. I did read somewhere that Canucklehead thinks YOU are a character and that you are not real. Are we sisters? :)

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  5. Lolly -I will tell Max what you said. That ought to get him to chasing his tail! And, my, what a lovely Lolly you are. You look just SCRUMMY! I think I will just put you right in my hot wet mouth and suck on you until you just melt away. Would that be okay? :)

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  6. Caroline - I will forward your congratulations to Max. Wasn't that a nice award?

    And, my, what a lovely young lady you are! You look just SCRUMMY! I think I will just put you right in my hot wet mouth and suck on you until you just melt away. Would that be okay? :)

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  7. Caroline, we are all really sorry about that. Apparently Tanisha needs a few adjustments to her programming. I will fill in for her while she is being repaired. Again, please accept our sincere apologies.

    Ummm....unless...ummmm....never mind.

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  8. Yo Momma. Hey Maxie. Send da bitch over to me at WayHarsh. I'll fuckin' adjust her programming.

    ::SNORT::

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  9. You know, it seems that upon my visits to your blog(s) I become speechless. Maybe I should just find a corner to sit in.

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  10. What was it we were saying about multiple personality disorders, Caroline?

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  11. I am only too pleased to have bestowed my Golden Cock upon Lord Max and the other assorted lunatics who may be found propping up the bar here.

    Now, who is for a celebratory piss-up?

    Everyone? GOOD SHOW!

    - Lord Likely.

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  12. Chica. ChicaChicaChica.

    First, for pictures of the characters that are really not real people, but are only puppets manipulated by a loser by the name of Tom, read this long post and look at all the pictures. K? None of those people in the pictures are actually real people. (Except Tom.) They are all inventions of Tom's rather unusual mind. All of their blogs, if they have one, and every SINGLE thing they say in those blogs and in comments to other people's blogs, including your blogs, is REALLY being written and said by this Tom guy. Please don't think any of these characters are real people, even if they have people pictures in their avatar. Thank you. :) I know, I know. It is really hard to get your brain wrapped around the concept. But, like the demon inside Linda Blair in The Exorcist, manifesting many voices, there is only one. Truly. Just one. In all of these faces and all of these blogs, if there picture appears on that list in the link shown above, the do not exist in real life. Once you realize you are dealing only with Tom, life will become much easier. And this is made even better for you, because this crazy Tom person REALLY likes Chica. Not to worry. He is to shy to cause you trouble. :)

    And thank you for congratulating one of Tom's fake characters by the name of Relax Max. Stop! Don't run off....

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  13. Chica - another clue is that this Tom guy never answers comments by his fake characters. Okay, I suppose that is a bad clue because he often is too lazy (never rude. lazy.) to answer comments by real people either. Never mind.

    Caroline - just go with the flow. Suck down yet another Mojoita or whatever you call them, and go with the flow. :)

    A. - Let me embarrass you by telling the world that you are real. Perhaps you are still a character, but you are a real person. A real writer. A real know-it- all. A real disrupter. A real REAL friend. Now what was your question again?

    Lord Likely-What an honor, m'lord! My humble blog cannot find the words....ack ack ack....to thank you...ummm...for that big fat award.

    Chica- you have my attention again. Chica, it is not a question of actually NEEDING a golden rod. It is like the Statue of Liberty. No one actually NEEDS the
    Statue of Liberty. It is just nice to have. See?

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  14. Can I touc..... oh nevermind.

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