Thursday, December 15, 2011

Here's help for Christmas or for paying your bar tab

"No other company has a plan like this!"

Hurry! 19,000,000 customers are waiting. Probably even more in this century.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Truth is in the eye


Propaganda is a documentary made by my enemy.

Friday, December 9, 2011

"So you want some axe too, Bucky?"

Note the fingerprints of the hapless dazed and bleeding already wacked slob. Don't make the same mistake.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Pagan Love Army That Ate Japs


Caution: "This is WWII's most horrifying combat novel." Says who? Dunno, but you can tell it is something really special by the 35¢ cover price.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Florida Confidential


I don't know what the secret goings-on in Florida were all about, but here's a closeup picture of a studly American GI getting ready to participate in the SLUGFEST AT INJE!!!

I'm guessing Korea.

Perhaps Studly is from Orlando.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Thrill-Hungry Vacationists!


American mountain resorts with leopards:
"Vicious claws ripped her flesh."


And for history buffs:
"One Union Soldier and 100 Rebel Girls"
OMG


So, what else is new dept.:
"American Men are Dumb"

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Grateful Liberated South Sea Island Girls


Post WWII men's magazine pulp illustrations were amazingly true to reality.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

"Oh... THAT Dale Greggsen!"


Lest we forget, the 1960s were not just about hippies and revolution; they were pulp fiction's GOLDEN AGE OF SLEAZE!

I think I'll paper the west wall of the pub with these covers. Sort of like Hard Rock Cafe, only... only... well, SLEAZY!




Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Last Call


He rose upright in the stirrups; he scarce could reach her hand,
But she loosened her hair i' the casement! His face burnt like a brand
As the black cascade of perfume came tumbling over his breast;
And he kissed its waves in the moonlight,
(Oh, sweet, black waves in the moonlight!)
Then he tugged at his rein in the moonliglt, and galloped away to the West.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

A goodbye to Andy Rooney

Most of you have already heard that veteran newsman Andy Rooney passed away last week. I once did a blog post about him reporting from a bombing raid on Germany in WWII. It's sort of fitting that he died so close to Veterans Day. He was 92. RIP

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The DNA damage theory of aging


Damages are physical abnormalities in the DNA, such as single and double strand breaks, 8-hydroxydeoxyguanosine residues and polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbon adducts.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Historically Speaking


The Seven Sisters:

1. Mount Holyoke College
2. Vassar College
3. Wellesley College
4. Smith College
5. Radcliffe College
6. Bryn Mawr College
7. Barnard College

The above are "historically women's colleges" [Vassar and Radcliffe are no longer segregated by sex]

I don't think the "Emily Dickenson" in "Animal House" actually exists.
---------

Historically Black Colleges and Universities in the United States

There are 105 official "historically black" colleges and universities today (public and private combined.) Here are 7 fine ones:

Name: Year founded: Enrollment (white): Type

Stillman College 1876 1116 (13) Private

Alcorn State 1871 3443 (283) Public

Morehouse College 1867 2891 (4) Private (100% Male)

Spelman College 1881 2186 (1) Private

Howard University 1867 10623 (114) Private

Grambling State University 1901 5039 (197) Public

Morgan State University 1867 6891 (149) Public

Friday, October 21, 2011

And what of Charon?

Recent Ra Ras of Egypt can't help but remind one of Greek gods and gods-like, and how infrequently we concern ourselves with them. Even this blog, or a relative blog, left Prometheus bound and bitten, back a bit, with never even a baleful backwards blink.

But inquiring minds want to know. Max wants to know. For example what of Charon? Late-night on a Thursday night such as this, though not under the stars. How many more trips has he made across since you last thought of him? An old man by all accounts, working 24/7 one assumes, no union protection that I've heard of, wearing only an old cloak - a hoodie, probably, like cousin death, sans scythe.

Married? I wonder. Doubtful. Long hours and serious lack of mixers in the Underworld. Still, fer chrissakes, even Typhon had a wife, and he had a hundred dragon heads. Charon perhaps allows himself a moment to revel in the sweet misery of the irony and unfairness of it all. Still, it's a steady job.

Maybe a dim lantern hanging from a stick at the stern of the boat, but otherwise dank and dark. Not cold, I suppose, but still...

Only the sounds of tiller or pole in water. In-Ancheron as it were - and the incessant whining of the damned damned in the bow. Could they not just shut the hell up for once? He supposes not.

Pay is easy - just take the coins out of the mouths of passive passengers; all must pay or sit on the shore for 100 years. But where to spend? What to buy? Where to sup? Is there a Cafe Styx on the far shore? For employees only? Inquiring minds want to know.

Does Hermes bring him an occasional flask of Lethe Latte to help fade the unpleasant memories of that fat lady passenger yesterday? Last month? Last eon? One hopes. But deep inside one knows there is no Hermes or anyone else to remember old Charon. Maybe the infrequent odd blogger. Otherwise just endless lines of lost souls and no motor on the boat.

Inquiring minds want to know.

On top of all that endless rowing and remembering... does Charon also have to feed the dog?

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Great-ful

"We now return our souls to the creator, as we stand on the edge of eternal darkness. Let our chant fill the void in order that others may know. In the land of the night the ship of the sun is drawn by the grateful dead."

-- Egyptian Book of the Dead

Touch of Grey

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Love


"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."

—Pablo Neruda (Cien sonetos de amor)

Thursday, September 29, 2011

debentures of quality and dubious integrity


I leaned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired

The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone

Who called to say, "Come dance with me"
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen

A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said, "Pity, please, the ones who serve
'Cause they only get what they deserve"

And the rich relationed hometown queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly

So remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality and dubious integrity

Their small town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball

It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
When dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me

We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown

They call and say, "Come on, dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me at seventeen

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Saturday, September 24, 2011

It's getting harder and harder to keep smiling

The solution is so simple. Just cut taxes in half for the job creators, let Warren buffet go to the IRS website and donate if it will make him feel better, and bring all our troops home from every country in the world (today, if possible.) Then your hair will stop turning grey and you will have a nice unforced smile again. Oh, and fire all your cabinet. Thanks. Do that and I will vote for you. So will everybody else.

Except Hillery. Don't fire Hillery. Hillery has earned the right to stay. And more.




Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Monday, September 19, 2011

"I shall return!"

Didn't General Douglas MacArthur die back in the 60's? So what's he doing at a teaparty rally?

Interesting trivia: did you know his father was a general too? Did you know his father's name was "Arthur?" I'm not lying. You can look it up. What wild and crazy fun-loving parents. Oh, my. It boggles.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Thursday, September 15, 2011

What IS this fungus?

Lt. Kinderman: If certain British doctors never asked "What is this fungus?" we wouldn't today have penicillin, correct?

(Lee J. Cobb, "The Exorcist")

Of course, Kinderman was talking about Flemming, not Pasteur. But I can't spell Flemming.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Labor Day holiday jokes

On the dangers of driving while drinking:

I left the Slap & Tickle last night about closing time. Well, AFTER closing time, actually, since I'm the one who has to lock up. At the corner, I stuck my arm out my car window to signal a turn and some pedestrian stole my beer right out of my hand. Moral: if you MUST drink on the way home, then don't signal. I think the pedestrian was Soubriquet, except he doesn't drink any more. Maybe it was Adullamite. Well, he doesn't drink either, but he would take it just to sell it. Actually, I don't drink either so this is a dumb joke. Let me rethink it and get back to you. Meanwhile:

There was this poor Irish lad standing next to the road crying. And Mr. Flannigan, his neighbor, stops and asks him what's wrong and why'r'ye cryin' and like that.

And the litle boy goes, "Me ma just died! Waaaaaa!"

Well, Flannigan is sorry for the poor tyke of course. "You're Catholic, aren't ye boy? Do ye want me to go fetch Father O'Reiley?"

The boy cries even harder. "Oh, Mr. Flannigan! Right now sex is the LAST thing on me mind!"

Ok, so this three-legged pup walks into the Slap & Tickle the other evening and straight off tells Soubriquet, sitting there minding his own business - not drinking though - and tells him matter-of-factly, "You look like the man that shot my paw!" (See, Soubriquet took a shot at Max not long ago. It was a long shot, but...)

Monday, August 29, 2011

Beware of the big bad wolf, little Red

Some girls, you just can't tell them. Why do they always have to find out for themselves?

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Areas of potential exposure


Your governments (all of them, it turns out) care about you very much and want to protect you. Please write to your legislators on all levels and ask that they pass laws banning things that might hurt iq-challenged citizens. Thank you.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Slapping Robot


A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie. He decides to test it out at dinner with his family.

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

Son: At school. [robot slaps son}

Son: Ok, I lied. I went to see a movie.

Dad: Which movie?

Son: Toy Story. [robot slaps son]

Son: Ok! It was porn!

Dad: What??? When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was! [robot slaps dad]

Mom: Forgive him, dear. After all, he is your son. [robot slaps mom]

Monday, August 22, 2011

Returning to writing intimacy


Is poetry your thing? Have you been feeling uninspired lately? Try this writing trick:

Get back to basics by writing in longhand in a composition book, using a fine old pen.

Don't let the computer keyboard separate you from the deep intimacy you often need to feel when writing poetry. Your own hand can often bring you closer to that special intimacy again.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

A shadow box



Can anyone identify anything else?

I think I see some sort of red chile peppers, bulgar, dehydrated mushrooms, hazelnut chunks, an old baseball trading card, lentals, a bit of green meat, Walmart spaghetti sauce mix, two small fossils and a 1971 Christmas cookie. Oh, how I wish the Wise Herb Sage were still here! If you would like to see a smaller picture of this and some obviously wrong guesses, this is the place.


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Words of Great and Patriotic Leaders

Quotes from the great and patriotic Tony Blair:

"I can only go one way. I've not got a reverse gear."

"I didn't come into politics to change the Labour Party. I came into politics to change the country."

"It is not an arrogant government that chooses priorities, it's an irresponsible government that fails to choose."

"Power without principle is barren, but principle without power is futile."

"The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes."

"Our tolerance is part of what makes Britain Britain. So conform to it, or don't come here."

(When asked by a member of Parliament why he believed so much in America)
"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in... and how many want out."

Friday, August 12, 2011

Speaking of Cornwall. And of being offensively judgmental, for that matter...


I used to love to dream of someday experiencing the presumably exquisite mouthwatering buttery taste of a Cornish pasty, but the newly-acquired knowledge of a particular variety of dough-covered pie (gleefully induced into my unsuspecting brain by a certain follower of this blog) has now thrown me off that feed. I may just try that tar bread instead.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Mystery Girl


Does anyone know what this is and where this is?

Bet you don't.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Mortals (not morals)


Here are some random life spans of various earth-dwelling creatures/plants (assuming they die of old age and not disease):

Mouse - 2 years
Human - 85 years
Lobsters - 100 years
Bow head whale - 200 years
Freshwater pearl mussel - 210 years
Giant tortoise - 255 years
Ocean quahog - 400 years
Deep sea oyster - 500 years
Quaking aspen - 80,000 years
Jellyfish - Immortal

(Just in case you were getting cocky about our increasing life span)

Sunday, July 31, 2011

This Side of Paradise. Ostensibly.

Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!"

Monday, July 25, 2011

Slippery Slope?


If a toy boat were in a bathtub half full of water, so the toy boat floated, and the bathtub were the kind with wheels, and the tub were being towed up an inclined surface by two locomotives, one on either side, would this experiment qualify, physics-wise, to have the same elements as a French "moving lock" with a watertight squeegee pushing a boat-carrying wedge of water?

This has been on my mind.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Irony isn't lying if you are Socrates

"Socrates' style of conversation involved his own denial of knowledge. In these conversations, Socrates became the student and made those he questioned the teacher. Since Socrates appeared to be much more knowledgeable about the ambiguities and pitfalls of the subjects under discussion, his claim to ignorance became known as Socratic Irony."

Maybe it was Socratic Irony in Athens, but in New Mexico, we call it "lying" and you could get your face bashed for putting people on like that who are just trying to talk with you and be nice.

Anyway, so if I tell a lie in a post, you can just assume I am not really that dumb and am only being sophisticated like the ancient Greeks. Relax Max Irony we'll call it.

Do you remember that movie where Keanu Reeves and that other guy went back in time and met Socrates? They were all stupid and goofy like Dumb and Dumber or Beavis and Butthead (it was really my kind of movie.) This was before Keanu got all grown up and became a real actor. Anyway, they called Socrates "So-crates." Like a crate of peaches or something. I guess you don't remember.

Served him right though. Only he couldn't do any of his Socratic Irony with them because they really were stupid. Like dull horses, to paraphrase Plato. Never mind.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

If you don't know where you're going, you might end up somewhere else...


Alice: Will you tell me which way I ought to go from here?
Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to go.
Alice: I don't much care...
Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't matter which way you go.