Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Really bad pub jokes: an invitation

You are invited to comment with jokes that have to do with pubs/bars. I will start you off with a few.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws.
Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.' Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Cavan.

He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda.' I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.
Mary was asleep in bed when her husband, Patrick, crashed through the front door at 3 am waking her up. He staggered through the hallway and tried to get up the stairs.

'What are you doing?' Mary shouted.
Patrick replied, 'I'm trying to get this gallon of beer up the stairs.'

'Leave it down there, Patrick', Mary bellowed. 'I can't, 'Patrick replied, 'I've drunk it.'
Neil was in a pub, extremely drunk. The barman, Simon, noticed this, and when Neil asked for another whisky, the barman politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink.

Neil leaves. He walks out of the pub and in again at the side door and asks Simon for a double whisky. A little frustrated, Simon repeats the answer he had said earlier.

Neil, again leaves and enters through a further side door, walks up to the barman and asks for a Scotch. Simon is now quite annoyed, and tells Neil he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave the pub.

Once more, Neil leaves. Again he comes in, this time through the back door. Neil walks up to the barman and before he can say a word, Simon explodes at him, 'I told you already, you are way too drunk, you can not have another whisky. Get out of my bar!'

Disgruntled, Neil glares at Simon and asks, 'Man, how many bars do you work at?'


  1. ok - 1. I HATE when I drop dead. It ruins my whole day.

    2. how many damned doors do they have in Ireland?

    3. Huh?

    Sorry. Drank too much and lost focus

  2. One Chica walked into a bar, Barman Max asked what she'd have to drink, and Chica replied "Pepesi ont he rocks man" which then Max proceeded to clank actual rocks into a glass and start pouring the pepsi...

  3. A brain went into a pub and says, "Pint of lager, please."
    "Sorry mate, you're already out of your head," the barman replies.

    A sandwich goes into a pub, walks up to the barman, and says, "Pint of lager please."
    "Sorry mate," says the barman, "we don't serve food in here."

    Two drunks are walking along the road in London. One turns to the
    other and slurs, "Is this Wembley?"
    "No, it's Thursday."
    "So am I! Let's go for a drink."

    You'll regret this Max.

  4. Petra, you had better not be driving home, that's all I can say. :)

    Chica, Chica, Chica, Chica.. I would never do that. Wait on you I mean. :)

    How come the comment font got so small all of a sudden? Is yours like that too, Chica? How do I make it bigger again?

    a., Just stop it. I know I asked for it. But just stop it. No. Don't stop it. :)

  5. The comment font looks perfectly fine to me.

    Two blondes were sitting in a pub talking. One says to the other, "Which do you suppose is further away, the moon or China?"
    The other turns around and say, "Helllooooooo.... can you see China?"

    Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

    Tom and Dick are comparing notes on their summer holiday.
    "I was staying in a Pub in Poole," says Tom.
    "In Dorset?" asks Dick
    "Certainly," says Tom. "I'd recommend it to anyone."

  6. The font on my comments is so small I can barely read the comments. This started yesterday. And it is on all my blogs and on all blogspot blogs I have visited, including yours, a. Obviously something has happened in my general blogspot preference somewhere. But since it is happening for all blogs, I am at a loss. Help!
    This comment I am writing right now looks perfectly good as long as it is in the comment prep field, but as soon as i post it, it gets all tiney. Crap.

  7. Found the problem. Browser preferences. I swear I never changed it. I swear.

  8. My favourite pub-related joke is as follows:

    Willaim Shakespeare walks into a pub.

    "Get out," says the landlord. "You're bard!"


    Bottoms up!

  9. Lord, I must admit that is the first time I have heard Shakespeare worked into a pub joke. And it really sucked. Nice try milord. Thanks for tottering by. Put some pants on, eh?

  10. Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

    Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

    Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

    Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

    The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the
    better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that
    the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the
    better of the builder.

    Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what
    you do for a living?

    Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

    Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

    Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

    Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

    Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond.
    Which is it?

    Phil: - It's in a pond!

    Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

    Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

    Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large
    garden then you have a large house?

    Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

    Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to
    assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
    probably married?

    Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

    Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with
    your wife on a regular basis?

    Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

    Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very

    Phil: - Me? Never.

    Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

    Phil: - How's that then?

    Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your
    sex life!

    Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

    Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

    Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

    Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

    Eric: - What's that then?

    Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

    Eric: - Nope.

    Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker..


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