Tuesday, March 29, 2011

"Outrage": My first dime novel

The combat was fierce now. Mabel decided she wouldn't be able to deal with it by herself after all, and ran to fetch the marshal.

Ben was below, at a disadvantage, but he was a gamer. Grabbing a handful of Asa's hair in one hand and twisting his ear with the other, he uttered a stream of constant obscenities while all the time grunting and blowing his garlic breath in Asa's sweaty face.

Asa held his own, still trying to hypnotize Ben, but having little effect. Dizzy now from holding his breath against the garlic onslaught, Asa was about lose consciousness and tumble down the stairs, and he knew it.

Ben hooked one leg around Asa's in an effort to hasten the tumble. He grinned inwardly in satisfaction as he heard Asa's knee crack.

"CODSWALLUP!" cried Asa as he let go of his breath and the garlic fumes filled his lungs. Eyes watering profusely now, face flushed, the room spinning, Asa left off his mesmerizing and began to hawk up great clots of garlic-tainted phlem to project into Ben's livid and leering face. It was his only defense now. Making sounds like a cat with a furball, Asa met with success and let fly.

"RASCAL!" "DISHONORABLE TWADDLE!" Ben screamed the invectives, as the vile effluent stung his eyes. "MOLLYCODDLE!" "GOATLOVER!"

The marshal burst into the door and took the stairs two at a time, landing the butt of his drawn pistol solidly into Ben's right kidney. Ben's body went limp and he dropped like a bag of rocks at the marshal's feet.

"Sweet Lord Jesus! Mama come get your baby boy!" Ben implored as he writhed in agony.

With Ben out of the way, Asa tumbled forward in a dead faint.

As Asa tumbled down the stairs past his feet, rolling over the groaning Ben, the marshal shot him in the back at close range. Asa's body stiffened and his coat caught on fire from the close range blast of the marshal's .44.

"Freeze," the marshal barked at Asa.

Miss Mabel had returned and saw the whole thing. "I think you're supposed to say freeze before you shoot, Marshal," she opined.

"I'm new to this job," he shrugged. "I'll remember next time."

Suddenly Ben moaned and began to come to.

"BLAM," said the marshal's .44.

"Damn," said the marshal.

Miss Mabel rolled her eyes and shook her head in exasperation.

(to be continued)


  1. Shoot first, ask questions later. Gary Larson did a great Far Side cartoon with that line once.

  2. I LOVED The Far Side! I must have seen this in one of my desktop calendar cartoons years ago and it stuck in my mind! (I didn't think it was original, but I didn't know where it came from.) This is more than tongue-in-cheek, this "dime novel" but thank you for commenting on it. :)

  3. So you HAVE been reading manga! I recognize both the hypnotism and the garlic from Maid-Sama!

    I knew it.

    Though you missed Yukimura being stripped (by a succession of individuals) to look for a spider while a English butler in a ninja costume looked on.

    Maybe in the next episode.

  4. Stephanie, I don't think so. I tried (and still trying) to understand those funny big-eyed Japanese pictures, but still not making the connection. :(

    What I did was come across an old picture and try to make up a story around what was in the picture. I think the hypnosis bit was because the one guy seems to be staring down at the other guy. I don't know where the garlic breath came from. Just from my perverted thought processes, I guess. I have been informed that my "freeze" thing was not original. All of this stuff springs from bits and pieces of memories over the years. Weird. Do you like to do that? - make up stories based on an illustration? It's fun to do with children's books....... just tell your child a story without actually reading it, based on what you think is happening in the pictures. On the fly. :) "Uh-uh, Mommie! The dog didn't DIE! You're making that up!"

  5. All kinds of things can spark a story. Sometimes, it is an image, though the image is usually changed drastically by the time I start writing to suit myself.

    More often it's a perspective, an interesting relationship, an interesting character or, sometimes, an off-hand comment that I think I need to use in a book.

  6. I followed your link. More confused than ever. I guess I will never get that. But those little cuties ARE hypnotized, for sure. What would a hypnotized cartoon do? Maybe I should read more of the story. If a cartoon went nuts and robbed a cartoon bank, would he be sent to cartoon prison? Ok, first I have to stop thinking of them as cartoons, right? Only then will I approach enlightenment. [:)]

    Still, my guy in the woodcut just looks like he is staring at the lower guy. So that's where I got the idea from. Go ahead and post a picture and write a whole little story about what's going on in the picture. Let's see. Now, if you give me a Manga story with the words erased, then I can make up action for them.

    But it would be cartoon action. I would have them run over by steamrollers and trains, and make their precious heads explode. [:)} {:)]

  7. Actually, Usui wasn't hypnotized (too self-aware) despite Kanou-kun's best effort, but that isn't made clear until the next chapter.

    I don't think manga leads to enlightenment, not that I know of anyway, but it's encouraged me to appreciate more aspects of characters and their relationships. And it frequently makes me laugh, something I treasure. For a character writer like myself (who also dabbles in humor), that's a good thing.

    As for you reading manga, surely you knew I was just teasing you [ :) ].

    Speaking of pictures, looking at the one you have, it's actually pretty freaky. What's with that footwork? You can't throw someone like that. I suspect this would be one of those pictures that made me want to change it to write it.

    Still, it's a reasonable challenge, story from a picture. Maybe I'll do that on Rockets and Dragons coming up.


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