Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A conversation with God

Caution to new readers: Max has had a relapse. If you didn't know the old Max from the beginning before he stopped being vulgar on his blogs, you might not want to read this post. Thank you.

Max was down on his knees. Never mind why. He was worshiping something lying on the bed. But since he was down on his knees anyway, Max decided to pray.

Max: “Dear God...”

God: “Yes?”

Max: “God?”

God: “Yes?”

Max: “God? Is that really you?”

“Yes my son. What can I do for you?”

Max: “Mmmmm... God, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but you really smell good.”

God: “That’s because I’m a woman.”

Max: “Ah. That explains it. God?”

God: “Yes my son?”

Max: “Did you really create the whole world?”

God: “I created pussy. That’s all you need to worry about.”

Max: “Thank you God.”

“And God? Can I ask another question? Are you the God of hellfire?”

God: “No. Hellfire is one of man’s warped concepts. I am love. Hence the pussy.”

Max: “Ah.”

“So you created pussy and then on the seventh day you rested?”

God: “No. I create other things all the time. Love things.”

Max: “Like what?”

God: “Well, most recently I created the four-hour erection.”

Max: “No shit?”

God: “No shit.”

::15 seconds of silence::

Max: “God?”

God: “Yes Max?”

Max: “Could you please bestow one of those major woodies upon me? I promise to be good.”

God: “Perhaps. But if it lasts longer than four hours, you have to go to a doctor.”

Max: “Couldn’t you just send more women? I would prefer that, God.”

God: “Perhaps. That might work. But you must promise to be good.”

Max: “With four-hour wood, how could I be bad?”

God: “Good point.”

And so it came to pass that with God’s help, Max rose up to new heights, and proceeded to go about doing good, never failing to constantly honor God’s great first creation. And God was true to Her word and continued to provide an ever-increasing supply of pussy for Max to honor.

And it came to pass that Max was truly in heaven.

Thanks to
Chica for the "seed" of this idea in one of her recent posts. And to her regular reader Queenie. Sort of. And to Angelika, just because.

And it happened that while Max was in a deep and peaceful sleep later that same night, God again came to Max in a vision and spake to him thusly:

God: I have decided to send you forth to explain my true nature to my people.

Max: I am only a blogger, God.

God: Exactly. They will believe anything you say.

Max: Well, if we are going to be talking every day, could you at least tell me your name? Yah-way, right?

God: You can call me Elvira.

To be continued...


  1. To write this and to not tell me what she smells like it rude! :p

  2. Like lilacs in April, Chica. Only with a hint of zephyr music mixed in. But that's not a smell. Weird. :)

  3. Lilacs? ah hell. I hate lilacs, you must speak to her again and tell her to nix that.

  4. Chica, I think it probably varies with the person. You would probably smell something entirely different, whatever was your favorite. She was pretty cool. :) She doesn't care that people don't believe in her, btw. Gives her more time to herself.

  5. This post is just total bullshit!! Someone ought to do something about it. Blasphemous!! The little cocksucker! Max, where do you get off doing this kind of thing? You'd think you would have learned your lesson the first time when they threw your stupid little ass in jail. Guess not. Let's just hope God forgives you.

  6. Yes! You did it this time luv! You are going to get your tiny little pecker stepped on this time! Goody!

  7. Leave him alone. He doesn't need forgiveness, just a little tuition.

  8. FIRE AND BRIMSTONE DOWN ON YE!! This time ye've gone 'way too far bucko! This is war!

  9. what the flying fuck did I just read?! Is it possible to unread something?!!

    ps - umm, God bless I guess.

  10. Lilacs or not, I think I like your take on God better than most. Can you start a church and let me worship you? And can we sing pretty songs? Beatles songs. Or Elvis. I like his stuff too. Do we have to meet on Sunday's though? Sunday's are my days to sleep in. How about Mondays?

  11. I don't even know what to say about that dedication, LOL.

    Next time you talk to God, tell Her to send me a man with a talented tongue. I don't need 4 hour erections if his tongue can work wonders.

  12. Oh my, I think you would be very dangerous with a four hour hard on.

  13. "With four-hour wood, how could I be bad?"


  14. If that needs clarification, speak to me.

  15. A four-hour woody? Isn't that called Viagra? Isn't it a good thing Herself above caters for all our needs.

  16. who'd have expected max would be the next profit? oh my.

    I have always felt that it is rude to ignore a gift and since intimacy brings such great pleasure, what better gift to celebrate!

  17. @A. - Yes. A little tuition wouldn't hurt. :)

    @Canucklehead - Belly up to the bar and stop pretending you can read in your state. :)

    @Queenie - Welcome. Sure, you can worship with us! Friday nights? Beatles sounds good to me. :)

    @Angelika - Good to see you! Soooo... you say you have an interest in the acrobat doing the tongue pushups? I'll get him for you.

    I can't believe Angelika is REALLY here in person. ::Somebody pick Canucklehead up off the floor!::

    @Ettarose - Dangerous? The 50 foot hose lady is being a bit modest, I would say. The usual, then? Manhattan Tea, right? With a fifth of Tequilla. Got it. How are you doin'? :)

    @A. - Clarification, please. Never mind, I get it. Not the mass of the mast, but the motion of the ocean. Point well taken.

    @Mick - Hello again. Yeah, Viagra. It has become its own god. Thank you for coming by the pub!

    @Debbie - I didn't really write this post, you know. It was the Canadian curled up on the floor there. K? But I'm glad you are here. Help me lift him into a chair. Where have you been? We all missed you. :)

  18. There is only one Elvira that makes men drool, I mean worship, that I am aware of.....

    time will tell.

  19. Well if she looks anything like the Elvira we all know and love, then I'm happy. :)

  20. @Petra - Is that the Cassandra whoever who hosts scary movies? Or used to before she got too old to talk? I saw her on a freeway in LA once. She has red hair when the black wig is off. White now, probably.

    @Chica _ Is that the Cassandra whoever who hosts scary movies? Or used to before she got too old to talk? I saw her on a freeway in LA once. She has red hair when the black wig is off. White now, probably.

    @Petra and Chica - No. This one is the one that the Oak Ridge Boys sang about. You know, "My heart's on firuh for Elvira. Oom papa omm papa oom papa mau mau..."


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