Saturday, September 20, 2008

Auditioning the finger puppets

Hi! I'm Tal E. Wacker. Usually my contributions are restricted to the Way Harsh blog, but since Relax Max is drunk and passed out tonight, I get to pull extra duty here. Woopfuckingpee. Thanks a lot Max. You little turd ball.

I'm not used to being restricted to my blogging subject matter, since Way Harsh is pretty much an open blog, but I will try to keep it civilized here in order not to offend any of Max's tender readers.

By the way, some of you might be thinking I bear a resemblance to the late Frank Zappa. No shit, sherlock. Only this one is not housebroken.

So, let's see...what can we blog about tonight that's not very offensive? (Dull, in other words.) I see in the last post where a couple of smarty chicks accused Max of choking the chicken and bashing the bishop. So apparently that kind of talk is okay around here. So I will just make a post about masturbation terms and then get the fuck out of here.

For Chica and Caroline: Female masturbation euphemisms for your entertainment. Sort of like Lord Likely's masturbation post on BritishSpeak a while back, only the female version. The good ones are in red. There aren't many good ones, though. Many of the other ones I don't even understand. I just Googled the list. I have my own personal list, but that would probably drive most of you away. Don't want to do that. So here's the Google list. I kept it in alphabetical order in case you are taking notes:

Airing the Orchid
Beating the Beaver
Beating Around the Bush
Brushing The Beaver
Buffing the Weasel
Carpet Bumping
Checking for Squirrels
Cleaning your Fingers
Coming Into Your Own
Dancing the Taco Tango
Dialing the Rotary Phone
Digging a Trench
Doing your Nails
Dousing the Digits
Drilling For Oil
Engaging in Safe Sex
Erasing the Problem
Fanning the Fur
Fiddling the Bean
Fucking Without Complications
Gagging the Clam
Getting To Know Yourself
Going Mining
Groping the Grotto
Gusset Typing
Having A Clam Bake for One
Having A Night in With the Girls
Having Sex With Someone you Love
Hitchhiking South
Jillin' Off
Jocelyn Eldering
Letting the Fingers do the Walkin'
Making Soup
Manual Override
Buffin' The Muffin
Paddling the Pink Canoe
Petting Petunia
Polishing the Pearl
Playing Poker (Poke her. Get it?)
Playing Couch Hockey for One (Canadian?)
Playing with Mrs. Palmer's Five Daughters
Playing With the Man in the Boat
Pushing the Button
Riding the Unicycle
Engaging in the Solitary vice
Squeezing the Peach
Strumming the Banjo
Surfing the Channel
Teasing the Kitty
Teasing the Tuna Taco
Testing the Plumbing
Tickling the Taco
Tiptoeing  Through the Twolips


  1. That list is friggin hilarious, I hadn't realized there were so many terms for it. I wish I had thought of this first.. LOL

  2. Ok, so I'm thinking of it second, but have to outdo you, in a blogger friendly competitive way, I'm posting about it right now.. ;p

  3. Why did you stop at Ti..?

    Two finger tango
    Unbuttoning the fur coat
    Walk through the valley of love

  4. I'm officially speechless. You left out petting the poodle.

    Will wonders never cease.

  5. Massaging the Monument
    Choking the Chicken

  6. pretty darn funny. Chica I am popping over to yours now to see how you out did him. (OK So I am a little late, but better late than never)

  7. I like Beating around the Bush, myself...

  8. a.-Two finger tango. I like that. I think I will put it on the list. In red, too. Better yet, I will put it on Max's private master list. :) The other 2 are imaginative too. I sense another book....

    Petra-Petting the poodle? I can't get my mind wrapped around that. "Here girl. Fetch. Sit. Cum." Something like that. Christ I am embarrassed here.

    Colin-I like "massaging the monument" - haven't heard that one before. Seems like the Aussies could be more expressive, given their unique slang. I'll make up an Aussie one for you: how about "stunning your mullet"? Cool huh? No? Ok, so you are a Scot. But you've lived Down Under long enough to qualify. I just remember one I read in an old Tijuana Bible: "Strapping his Roger." Har!

    I think I will start another blog. This is too cool. And I DEFINITELY sense another book cumming on....

    Caroline - "Popping the Chica". That's a good one!

    This is heaven for a guy like me who sees double entendre in simply EVERYTHING.

    Angelika likes beating around the bush, herself. Hell yes! Do you REALLY like it, Angelika? REALLY REALLY? Heh.

    I gotta quit. I just remembered that this is a classy blog, and so are the people who comment on it. What happened to us?

    September 23, 2008 9:29 PM

  9. I dunno; I kinda like the descriptive "buffing the weasel". Put it in red, please!


  10. Really Really.

    A lot.

    I might need an intervention...

  11. What happened to us is Max. THAT is what happened to us.


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