The Slap & Tickle

Advanced techniques: when you are in a hurry

2012-01-28T00:09:00.000-07:00

From Chapter 12 of "The Scotsman's Pocket Guide to Surefire Seduction":

...then ask the blonde, "Does this rag smell like chloroform?"

How about now?

2012-01-27T01:08:00.002-07:00

He brought that camel to a screeching halt
At the rear of Fatima's tent, jumped off Clyde,
Snuck around the corner and into the tent he went
There he saw Fatima laying on a Zebra skin rug
Wearing rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
And a bone in her nose ho, ho.

There she was friends lying there in all her radiant beauty.
Eating on a raisin, grape, apricot, pomegranate,
bowl of chitterlings, two bananas, three Hershey bars,
sipping on a "R C" Co-Cola listening to her transistor,
watching the Grand Ole Opry on the tube reading the
Mad magazine while she sung,
"Does your chewing gum lose it's flavor?" and Ahab
walked up to her and he said,

Fatima I think I love you

2012-01-26T09:46:00.002-07:00

Does anyone besides me and Adullamite collect pictures of old-time cigarette packs? This one is strangely erotic, no?

Nanny states

2012-01-24T00:09:00.003-07:00

The three ambassadors were drinking together at the local pub. Each was trying to outdo the rest in bragging about how socialistic their countries had become.

"In the UK, the government takes care of you from the cradle to the grave," says the Limey ambassador.

The ambassador from the USA won't be outdone. "In America, the government takes care of you from the womb to the tomb. You don't have to be born yet."

"Pah!" says the froggie ambassador, "In France we take care of you from erection to resurrection!"

Can't beat that.

Don't even try.

Towards a more colorful constitution: parts you may have missed

2012-01-22T17:56:00.003-07:00

Article 1, Section 3.5

"The Senate shall abuse their other officers in the absence of the Vice President and shall exercise in the office of the President of the United States."

Headlines

2012-01-19T12:09:00.004-07:00

Headlines of stories I mostly didn't read today:

• 6% of U.S. Adults Suffer Serious Mental Disorders

• Man Charged with Stealing $9.5 Million of Computer Code

• Billionaire Pays to Fix Washington Monument

• Al Qeada Magazine Found in Gitmo

• More Body Parts Found Near Hollywood Sign

• Chinese Bloggers Mock U.S.' SOPA Outrage: "Hell, the government blacked it all out here years ago. In the U.S. if you steal online, they threaten to shut down the website. Here they shoot you and your family in the head. You wouldn't last ten minutes behind the 'Great Firewall that is China' "

Amen

---------

The Great Firewall was originally touted as a way to block piracy and porn. Now ALL undesired thoughts bounce off it.

Handle with Care

2012-01-09T00:05:00.000-07:00

Handle with Care.

A Saturday Evening Post

2012-01-07T22:18:00.002-07:00

Dream Baby

2012-01-06T00:04:00.000-07:00

Dream Baby.

Resolutions

2012-01-01T00:03:00.001-07:00

1. I resolve to make a list of new years resolutions. a

2. I resolve to now check off the first item on my list. a

3. I resolve to realize (and rejoice) that I've already accomplished two things on my list! a

4. I resolve to reward myself with hot chocolate and then a nap. In progress at this moment.

Arousing the Adullamite's lust

2011-12-29T09:29:00.001-07:00

Thrasher.

How it all started

2011-12-24T00:10:00.001-07:00

Some animals are harder to train than others

2011-12-20T09:49:00.002-07:00

Here's help for Christmas or for paying your bar tab

2011-12-15T00:07:00.000-07:00

"No other company has a plan like this!"

Hurry! 19,000,000 customers are waiting. Probably even more in this century.

Acerbic Snowmen

2011-12-12T22:40:00.003-07:00

Truth is in the eye

2011-12-10T13:46:00.001-07:00

Propaganda is a documentary made by my enemy.

"So you want some axe too, Bucky?"

2011-12-09T00:27:00.000-07:00

Note the fingerprints of the hapless dazed and bleeding already wacked slob. Don't make the same mistake.

The Pagan Love Army That Ate Japs

2011-12-06T00:15:00.000-07:00

Caution: "This is WWII's most horrifying combat novel." Says who? Dunno, but you can tell it is something really special by the 35¢ cover price.

Florida Confidential

2011-12-03T00:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know what the secret goings-on in Florida were all about, but here's a closeup picture of a studly American GI getting ready to participate in the SLUGFEST AT INJE!!!

I'm guessing Korea.

Perhaps Studly is from Orlando.

Thrill-Hungry Vacationists!

2011-11-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

American mountain resorts with leopards:

"Vicious claws ripped her flesh."

And for history buffs:

"One Union Soldier and 100 Rebel Girls"

OMG

So, what else is new dept.:

"American Men are Dumb"

Grateful Liberated South Sea Island Girls

2011-11-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

Post WWII men's magazine pulp illustrations were amazingly true to reality.

"Oh... THAT Dale Greggsen!"

2011-11-24T08:51:00.005-07:00

Lest we forget, the 1960s were not just about hippies and revolution; they were pulp fiction's GOLDEN AGE OF SLEAZE!

I think I'll paper the west wall of the pub with these covers. Sort of like Hard Rock Cafe, only... only... well, SLEAZY!

Last Call

2011-11-15T10:28:00.003-07:00

He rose upright in the stirrups; he scarce could reach her hand,

But she loosened her hair i' the casement! His face burnt like a brand
As the black cascade of perfume came tumbling over his breast;
And he kissed its waves in the moonlight,
(Oh, sweet, black waves in the moonlight!)
Then he tugged at his rein in the moonliglt, and galloped away to the West.

A goodbye to Andy Rooney

2011-11-10T01:20:00.007-07:00

Most of you have already heard that veteran newsman Andy Rooney passed away last week. I once did a blog post about him reporting from a bombing raid on Germany in WWII. It's sort of fitting that he died so close to Veterans Day. He was 92. RIP

The DNA damage theory of aging

2011-10-26T12:44:00.002-06:00

Damages are physical abnormalities in the DNA, such as single and double strand breaks, 8-hydroxydeoxyguanosine residues and polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbon adducts.

Historically Speaking

2011-10-22T21:36:00.002-06:00

The Seven Sisters:

1. Mount Holyoke College

2. Vassar College

3. Wellesley College

4. Smith College

5. Radcliffe College

6. Bryn Mawr College

7. Barnard College

The above are "historically women's colleges" [Vassar and Radcliffe are no longer segregated by sex]

I don't think the "Emily Dickenson" in "Animal House" actually exists.

---------

Historically Black Colleges and Universities in the United States

There are 105 official "historically black" colleges and universities today (public and private combined.) Here are 7 fine ones:

Name: Year founded: Enrollment (white): Type

Stillman College 1876 1116 (13) Private

Alcorn State 1871 3443 (283) Public

Morehouse College 1867 2891 (4) Private (100% Male)

Spelman College 1881 2186 (1) Private

Howard University 1867 10623 (114) Private

Grambling State University 1901 5039 (197) Public

Morgan State University 1867 6891 (149) Public

And what of Charon?

2011-10-21T00:03:00.001-06:00

Recent Ra Ras of Egypt can't help but remind one of Greek gods and gods-like, and how infrequently we concern ourselves with them. Even this blog, or a relative blog, left Prometheus bound and bitten, back a bit, with never even a baleful backwards blink.

But inquiring minds want to know. Max wants to know. For example what of Charon? Late-night on a Thursday night such as this, though not under the stars. How many more trips has he made across since you last thought of him? An old man by all accounts, working 24/7 one assumes, no union protection that I've heard of, wearing only an old cloak - a hoodie, probably, like cousin death, sans scythe.

Married? I wonder. Doubtful. Long hours and serious lack of mixers in the Underworld. Still, fer chrissakes, even Typhon had a wife, and he had a hundred dragon heads. Charon perhaps allows himself a moment to revel in the sweet misery of the irony and unfairness of it all. Still, it's a steady job.

Maybe a dim lantern hanging from a stick at the stern of the boat, but otherwise dank and dark. Not cold, I suppose, but still...

Only the sounds of tiller or pole in water. In-Ancheron as it were - and the incessant whining of the damned damned in the bow. Could they not just shut the hell up for once? He supposes not.

Pay is easy - just take the coins out of the mouths of passive passengers; all must pay or sit on the shore for 100 years. But where to spend? What to buy? Where to sup? Is there a Cafe Styx on the far shore? For employees only? Inquiring minds want to know.

Does Hermes bring him an occasional flask of Lethe Latte to help fade the unpleasant memories of that fat lady passenger yesterday? Last month? Last eon? One hopes. But deep inside one knows there is no Hermes or anyone else to remember old Charon. Maybe the infrequent odd blogger. Otherwise just endless lines of lost souls and no motor on the boat.

Inquiring minds want to know.

On top of all that endless rowing and remembering... does Charon also have to feed the dog?

Great-ful

2011-10-16T20:07:00.005-06:00

"We now return our souls to the creator, as we stand on the edge of eternal darkness. Let our chant fill the void in order that others may know. In the land of the night the ship of the sun is drawn by the grateful dead."

-- Egyptian Book of the Dead

Touch of Grey

Love

2011-10-01T00:06:00.002-06:00

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."

—Pablo Neruda (Cien sonetos de amor)

debentures of quality and dubious integrity

2011-09-29T00:09:00.001-06:00

I leaned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired

The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone

Who called to say, "Come dance with me"
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen

A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said, "Pity, please, the ones who serve
'Cause they only get what they deserve"

And the rich relationed hometown queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly

So remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality and dubious integrity

Their small town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball

It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
When dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me

We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown

They call and say, "Come on, dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me at seventeen

Postcards from the Edge

2011-09-27T02:02:00.000-06:00

Andromeda.

Hubble photo, courtesy NASA.

It's getting harder and harder to keep smiling

2011-09-24T00:32:00.000-06:00

The solution is so simple. Just cut taxes in half for the job creators, let Warren buffet go to the IRS website and donate if it will make him feel better, and bring all our troops home from every country in the world (today, if possible.) Then your hair will stop turning grey and you will have a nice unforced smile again. Oh, and fire all your cabinet. Thanks. Do that and I will vote for you. So will everybody else.

Except Hillery. Don't fire Hillery. Hillery has earned the right to stay. And more.

Worst Irish accents in the movies, #7

2011-09-21T00:26:00.000-06:00

Half a century old now, but never fails to please.

Thanks to hunter4086 for the memory of the Little People.

"I shall return!"

2011-09-19T12:37:00.002-06:00

Didn't General Douglas MacArthur die back in the 60's? So what's he doing at a teaparty rally?

Interesting trivia: did you know his father was a general too? Did you know his father's name was "Arthur?" I'm not lying. You can look it up. What wild and crazy fun-loving parents. Oh, my. It boggles.

Memories. The way we were.

2011-09-17T12:30:00.000-06:00

Admit it, you miss him.

What IS this fungus?

2011-09-15T11:50:00.002-06:00

Lt. Kinderman: If certain British doctors never asked "What is this fungus?" we wouldn't today have penicillin, correct?

(Lee J. Cobb, "The Exorcist")

Of course, Kinderman was talking about Flemming, not Pasteur. But I can't spell Flemming.

New sign on pub wall. Please take care.

2011-09-07T14:34:00.001-06:00

Labor Day holiday jokes

2011-09-02T14:06:00.006-06:00

On the dangers of driving while drinking:

I left the Slap & Tickle last night about closing time. Well, AFTER closing time, actually, since I'm the one who has to lock up. At the corner, I stuck my arm out my car window to signal a turn and some pedestrian stole my beer right out of my hand. Moral: if you MUST drink on the way home, then don't signal. I think the pedestrian was Soubriquet, except he doesn't drink any more. Maybe it was Adullamite. Well, he doesn't drink either, but he would take it just to sell it. Actually, I don't drink either so this is a dumb joke. Let me rethink it and get back to you. Meanwhile:

There was this poor Irish lad standing next to the road crying. And Mr. Flannigan, his neighbor, stops and asks him what's wrong and why'r'ye cryin' and like that.

And the litle boy goes, "Me ma just died! Waaaaaa!"

Well, Flannigan is sorry for the poor tyke of course. "You're Catholic, aren't ye boy? Do ye want me to go fetch Father O'Reiley?"

The boy cries even harder. "Oh, Mr. Flannigan! Right now sex is the LAST thing on me mind!"

Ok, so this three-legged pup walks into the Slap & Tickle the other evening and straight off tells Soubriquet, sitting there minding his own business - not drinking though - and tells him matter-of-factly, "You look like the man that shot my paw!" (See, Soubriquet took a shot at Max not long ago. It was a long shot, but...)

Beware of the big bad wolf, little Red

2011-08-29T23:07:00.003-06:00

Some girls, you just can't tell them. Why do they always have to find out for themselves?

Areas of potential exposure

2011-08-27T15:25:00.003-06:00

Your governments (all of them, it turns out) care about you very much and want to protect you. Please write to your legislators on all levels and ask that they pass laws banning things that might hurt iq-challenged citizens. Thank you.

Slapping Robot

2011-08-24T12:22:00.004-06:00

A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie. He decides to test it out at dinner with his family.

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

Son: At school. [robot slaps son}

Son: Ok, I lied. I went to see a movie.

Dad: Which movie?

Son: Toy Story. [robot slaps son]

Son: Ok! It was porn!

Dad: What??? When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was! [robot slaps dad]

Mom: Forgive him, dear. After all, he is your son. [robot slaps mom]

Returning to writing intimacy

2011-08-22T05:38:00.004-06:00

Is poetry your thing? Have you been feeling uninspired lately? Try this writing trick:

Get back to basics by writing in longhand in a composition book, using a fine old pen.

Don't let the computer keyboard separate you from the deep intimacy you often need to feel when writing poetry. Your own hand can often bring you closer to that special intimacy again.

A shadow box

2011-08-21T00:10:00.001-06:00

Can anyone identify anything else?

I think I see some sort of red chile peppers, bulgar, dehydrated mushrooms, hazelnut chunks, an old baseball trading card, lentals, a bit of green meat, Walmart spaghetti sauce mix, two small fossils and a 1971 Christmas cookie. Oh, how I wish the Wise Herb Sage were still here! If you would like to see a smaller picture of this and some obviously wrong guesses, this is the place.

Words of Great and Patriotic Leaders

2011-08-16T12:49:00.004-06:00

Quotes from the great and patriotic Tony Blair:

"I can only go one way. I've not got a reverse gear."

"I didn't come into politics to change the Labour Party. I came into politics to change the country."

"It is not an arrogant government that chooses priorities, it's an irresponsible government that fails to choose."

"Power without principle is barren, but principle without power is futile."

"The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes."

"Our tolerance is part of what makes Britain Britain. So conform to it, or don't come here."

(When asked by a member of Parliament why he believed so much in America)

"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in... and how many want out."

Speaking of Cornwall. And of being offensively judgmental, for that matter...

2011-08-12T00:12:00.001-06:00

I used to love to dream of someday experiencing the presumably exquisite mouthwatering buttery taste of a Cornish pasty, but the newly-acquired knowledge of a particular variety of dough-covered pie (gleefully induced into my unsuspecting brain by a certain follower of this blog) has now thrown me off that feed. I may just try that tar bread instead.

Mystery Girl

2011-08-09T17:20:00.002-06:00

Does anyone know what this is and where this is?

Bet you don't.

Worshiping WITH Idols

2011-08-05T12:25:00.002-06:00

(Actually, Max won't.)

Mortals (not morals)

2011-08-02T01:13:00.002-06:00

Here are some random life spans of various earth-dwelling creatures/plants (assuming they die of old age and not disease):

Mouse - 2 years

Human - 85 years

Lobsters - 100 years

Bow head whale - 200 years

Freshwater pearl mussel - 210 years

Giant tortoise - 255 years

Ocean quahog - 400 years

Deep sea oyster - 500 years

Quaking aspen - 80,000 years

Jellyfish - Immortal

(Just in case you were getting cocky about our increasing life span)

This Side of Paradise. Ostensibly.

2011-07-31T16:10:00.005-06:00

Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;

If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,

Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,

I must have you!"

Slippery Slope?

2011-07-25T18:26:00.003-06:00

If a toy boat were in a bathtub half full of water, so the toy boat floated, and the bathtub were the kind with wheels, and the tub were being towed up an inclined surface by two locomotives, one on either side, would this experiment qualify, physics-wise, to have the same elements as a French "moving lock" with a watertight squeegee pushing a boat-carrying wedge of water?

This has been on my mind.

What is this?

2011-07-24T00:45:00.000-06:00

Irony isn't lying if you are Socrates

2011-07-22T00:07:00.001-06:00

"Socrates' style of conversation involved his own denial of knowledge. In these conversations, Socrates became the student and made those he questioned the teacher. Since Socrates appeared to be much more knowledgeable about the ambiguities and pitfalls of the subjects under discussion, his claim to ignorance became known as Socratic Irony."

Maybe it was Socratic Irony in Athens, but in New Mexico, we call it "lying" and you could get your face bashed for putting people on like that who are just trying to talk with you and be nice.

Anyway, so if I tell a lie in a post, you can just assume I am not really that dumb and am only being sophisticated like the ancient Greeks. Relax Max Irony we'll call it.

Do you remember that movie where Keanu Reeves and that other guy went back in time and met Socrates? They were all stupid and goofy like Dumb and Dumber or Beavis and Butthead (it was really my kind of movie.) This was before Keanu got all grown up and became a real actor. Anyway, they called Socrates "So-crates." Like a crate of peaches or something. I guess you don't remember.

Served him right though. Only he couldn't do any of his Socratic Irony with them because they really were stupid. Like dull horses, to paraphrase Plato. Never mind.

If you don't know where you're going, you might end up somewhere else...

2011-07-19T00:22:00.002-06:00

Alice: Will you tell me which way I ought to go from here?

Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to go.

Alice: I don't much care...

Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't matter which way you go.

Fed him only Viagara

2011-07-15T07:54:00.004-06:00

Robber who broke into hair salon is beaten by its black-belt owner and kept as a sex slave for three days... fed only Viagra

By    Daily Mail ReporterLast updated at 3:53 PM on 12th July 2011

A Russian man who tried to rob a hair salon ended up as the victim when the female shop owner overpowered him, tied him up naked and then used him as a sex slave for three days. Viktor Jasinski, 32, admitted to police that he had gone to the salon in Meshchovsk, Russia, with the intention of robbing it. Teaching a lesson: Olga Zajac, 28, allegedly held 32-year-old would-be robber Viktor Jasinski captive for three days in a back room of her hair salon, feeding him Viagra and having sex 'a couple of times' But the tables were turned dramatically when he found himself overcome by owner Olga Zajac, 28, who happened to be a black belt in karate. She allegedly floored the would-be robber with a single kick. Then, in a scene reminiscent of Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction, police say Zajac dragged the semi-conscious Jasinski to a back room of the salon and tied him up with a hair dryer cable. She allegedly stripped him naked and, for the next three days, used him as a sex slave to 'teach him a lesson' - force feeding him Viagra to keep the lesson going. The would-be robber was eventually released, with Zajak saying he had learned his lesson. Jasinski went straight to the police and told them of his back-room ordeal, saying that he had been held hostage, handcuffed naked to a radiator, and fed nothing but Viagra. Both have now been arrested. When police arrived to question Zahjac, she said: 'What a bastard. Yes, we had sex a couple of times. But I bought him new jeans, gave him food and even gave him 1,000 roubles when he left." Full article here : http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2013870/Robber-broke-hair-salon-beaten-black-belt-owner-kept-sex-slave-days--fed-Viagra.html

Water slip

2011-07-14T21:30:00.001-06:00

Here is a picture of a boat about to be pulled up a slope. There is water in this picture.

Please do come in...

2011-07-13T07:47:00.003-06:00

OH, PLEASE DO COME IN...

and join us for Apple Blossom Tea...

Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle has just washed

the nappykins and has set the table!

—Beatrix Potter

Trips for Soubriquet

2011-07-08T12:12:00.001-06:00

So, if I understand you correctly, this is not done in Britain?

Boat being towed up a slope

2011-07-08T10:28:00.002-06:00

How many vehicles here, in tow?

Now, if they would just get out of that gas guzzler and walk. Walking would be yet another sport. These people seem like they would be having a good time wherever they went.

Water slope, west of France

2011-07-05T00:12:00.003-06:00

The Maker

2011-07-03T19:46:00.003-06:00

Brother John
Have you seen the homeless daughters
Standing there with broken wings
I have seen the flaming swords
There over east of Eden
Burning in the eyes of the maker

—Daniel Lanois

I'm good

2011-06-27T19:18:00.000-06:00

Awful Guitar (and grammar) Mistakes

2011-06-24T11:26:00.003-06:00

I saw this ad for classical guitar lessons. I didn't click.

The Quick and the Dead

2011-06-20T05:53:00.006-06:00

Have you ever wondered what the fastest and slowest street-legal cars ever produced were? Wonder no more.

The absolute doggiest dog ever foisted on college students was the 1968 Fiat 850 Idromatic. See photo above. It even LOOKS sad, doesn't it? It seems to be saying, "Please shoot me. Please don't humiliate me anymore by drag-racing me with VW Beetles." No?

Here are the poor Idromatic's pathetic stats:

1. Quarter Mile in 23.0 seconds. 0-60 MPH (0-97 KPH) = 25.4 seconds

Following is the entire "top" 10 list for the slowest cars of all time:

68 Fiat 850 Idromatic 0-60 mph 25.4 Quarter mile 23.0
73 VW Super Beetle Convertible 0-60 mph 23.7 Quarter mile 22.2
74 Datsun B210 Coupe 0-60 mph 22.5 Quarter mile 24.5
79 Volkswagen Rabbit (Diesel) 0-60 mph 21.2 Quarter mile 21.9
81 Cadillac Seville (Diesel) 0-60 mph 20.9
80 Audi 5000S Diesel 0-60 mph 20.3 Quarter mile 21.6
81 Audi 5000S Diesel 0-60 mph 20.4
68 Fiat 850 Spider 0-60 mph 19.9 Quarter mile 21.4
64 Austin-Healey 3000 MK II 0-60 mph 19.8
72 Fiat Wagon 0-60 mph 19.0 Quarter mile 21.2

And the top 10 fastest cars which are (supposedly) legal to drive on the streets. Somewhere.

02 Lingenfelter Chevrolet Corvette 0-60 mph 1.97 Quarter mile 9.1
02 Viper Hennessey Venom 1000TT 0-60 mph 2.2 Quarter mile 9.4
06 Buggati Veyron EB16.4 0-60 mph 2.7 Quarter mile 10.7
08 Ariel Atom 500 0-60 mph 2.8
12 Nissan GT-R 0-60 mph 2.9 Quarter mile 11.1
06 Mosler MT900 S 0-60 mph 3.0 Quarter mile 10.9
06 Koenigsegg CCR 0-60 mph 3.1 Quarter mile 10.7
07 Noble M400 0-60 mph 3.2 Quarter mile 11.6
02 Ferrari Enzo 0-60 mph 3.3 Quarter mile 11.2
97 McLaren F1 0-60 mph 3.3 Quarter mile 11.5

Source: zeroto60times.com

Paradox

2011-06-17T19:08:00.004-06:00

Max is hardly holy enough to really be in a position to criticize, but have there not been too many wars fought over religions which claim to be based on love and peace and gentleness? I wonder. And I wonder, too, how many non-believers or believers in something different have had their bodies burned alive as a gesture of compassion so that their souls might be spared eternal flames?

"Imagine no religion"? No, that's not my point. Believing in something is good. Not making fun of people who believe in something is (perhaps) even better.

And, beyond not making fun of people who believe differently than you, not killing them is maybe best of all. At least it would be a start.

Come to the Edge

2011-06-13T00:19:00.000-06:00

"Come to the edge," I said.

"No, we're afraid."

"Come to the edge."

"No... We're afraid. We'll fall."

"Come to the edge," I said again.

And they came.

And I pushed them.

And they flew.

— Christopher Logue

So much to live for

2011-06-11T01:51:00.002-06:00

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Some think this is too good to be true!

2011-06-07T00:10:00.002-06:00

Eat all you want! Feast on your favorite foods! Lose huge amounts of weight every minute!

And at the other end of the street on which I live...

2011-06-05T00:15:00.002-06:00

This one has fewer bullet holes in it than others I've seen.

A gift for you

2011-06-03T17:30:00.001-06:00

I live in western New Mexico. REALLY western New Mexico. I know you have probably wished a thousand times you knew what it looked like to stand on the New Mexico border facing west. You KNOW you've wanted to know that, right? Well, as it happens, recently the air conditioning in my car was much too cold, so I decided to get out in the 500 degree heat and take this picture for you. You owe me one.

Mo' Charts

2011-05-31T12:59:00.003-06:00

There used to be a really cool chart here showing all the weird key combinations to make all the special symbols and doo-dads you always wish you knew how to make on your computer. Unfortunately, it was too large and caused this page to take about three hours to load, so I've killed the chart off.

If this disappoints you too much, blogger still keeps it on its eternal server, here:

Gracias.

Current view of my Mac's dock

2011-05-16T00:54:00.003-06:00

They say you can determine personality by what applications a person uses most frequently. I don't know who "they" are. Perhaps they don't say that at all.

Ok, if two trains are 100 miles apart, and one is going 40 mph, and the other is going 60 mph, how many feet would the yellow one have traveled in 12 minutes?

It's closer if you drive faster

2011-05-14T22:19:00.002-06:00

I saw the dumbest question today on Wiki.Answers. Or at least it seemed dumb to me.

"What is the driving distance from Baltimore to New York City, driving at 60 mph?"

Dancing

2011-05-11T21:23:00.000-06:00

"Opportunity usually dances with those who are already on the dance floor."

I take this to mean Opportunity is a dancer. I had thought Opportunity was a knocker. I have been waiting by the door all this time when I should have been out dancing. That is disappointing. I wonder how many opportunities I've missed by waiting to answer the door?

I think I'll just go out and make something happen. The heck with waiting for opportunity to knock or ask me to dance.

Finally, the wedding is here

2011-04-29T00:01:00.003-06:00

I wasn't sure whether to wear my morning jacket or my uniform. Decisions, decisions.

The big day has finally arrived. I want to take this last opportunity to chastise all of you who pretended not to care, who pretended to be above it all; all of you who blogged so cynically, and some of you who thought not blogging at all about the wedding would prove you were unconcerned.

You know who you are.

As for me, the sight of the tent people camping out on the sidewalk outside Westminster Abbey, the excitement of the souvenir coffee mug vendors, the thought of catching a glimpse of the awesome carriages, or of the royal couple, or... of Sir Elton John himself, for that matter, sends chills up my quadruped spine, and I don't mind admitting it.

I have learned so much these past few weeks. Not just how to curtsey, but of the hidden value of the monarchy itself, value many of you scoffroyals will never understand. But I, A LOWLY AMERICAN, have grasped the significance of this event and of the long grey line of the succession. If I may say.

So, His Princeliness is marrying a commoner. Never been done before, they say. Marrying out of his own class, they say. Out of his own class? Hell, some say his father recently married out of his own species, fer crissakes. But Kate's a thoroughbred, make no mistake, laddie.

I pray you will come to your collective senses before it is too late.

And to the newlyweds, I say cheers. Godspeed. May you live a hundred years and my you reign a hundred more.

And may I live to see your successor.

10 ways to facilitate clutter

2011-04-21T11:19:00.007-06:00

Some people like to collect things. Some people have even achieved pack rat status. The better people, I mean. I myself am an expert (at the top of the heap, you might say) and feel I am now ready to start giving advice on the subject. If you have an open mind, I can train you to rid yourself of that terrible minimalist habit that keeps your home looking so ::shudder:: neat and clean.

Feel free to let me know any other things you have discovered. I'll make a note of it and file it away. Disclaimer: Although I do a lot of these things, the basics were actually found on other blogs. But I embellished them. Honed them. Made them better. Some of them I actually authored, too. They are not in any particular order. As I write this on the fly, I don't know how many items will be on the list. I hope the list doesn't end up being ten things though, like the title says. I shouldn't have named this post that, but I am too lazy to change the title now. I hate lists of 10 items. They are of the devil.

1. Save every issue of every magazine you buy or subscribe to. They will be useful for the articles and recipes one day. Professional clutter facilitators will also keep all old catalogs. Those who have been at this for several years also know the value of keeping old telephone books in case they ever want to find the previous telephone number of someone who has since moved away. Keeping entire old newspapers which have items on, or even pictures of, people who you know, which we mean to someday cut out and save, is probably safer than simply cutting out the articles anyway.

2. When you find a useless item on sale which you will never use, be sure to buy two of them because of the good price.

3. When you must replace a broken appliance, be sure and keep the old broken one and its parts. It is pretty likely that some day you will get that engineering degree and be able to make the old one magically work again. Also, you'd be a fool to discard those extra little screws and plastic covers that came in the bag with that bookcase you assembled last summer.

4. If you are cleaning the spare bedroom (and we don't recommend that you do) and you come across something brand new you forgot you bought but never used, do NOT donate the object to someone who could use it. After all, you paid good money for it, right? Same goes for old useless Christmas gifts you find under the bed. After all, SOMEBODY paid good money for that, right?

5. That big box of glass bud vases and plastic lids and empty cereal boxes under the stairs. Please don't throw them out, because you can recycle all of those. Just not now. In addition to those things, experts at maintaining household clutter know that empty bread bags, used twist ties, and the rubber bands the paperboy puts on your daily newspaper are the spice of life. Devote at least one kitchen drawer to these things. 'Nuff said.

6. It's always better to be safe than sorry, so save every bill you have ever received in your life. DO put them neatly into shoe boxes with the date range written on the boxes. Just don't store all the boxes in the same place. Old tax returns and parking garage receipts? I don't have to tell you to save those forever. Again, store some in each closet.

7. Every piece of hardware you've ever touched, new or used, even the hinges from that bathroom door in your first apartment, need to be kept in a LARGE WOODEN BOX in a corner of the garage. It's ok to put other stuff on top of that box, though. Further organization of the hardware is pointless.

8. Are you a digital photographer? Who isn't. Put all your precious printed photos into a box, so that it will be handy to go through all of them when you want to find a particular picture. When the box gets full, put it into a larger box. Continue until you need a hand cart to move the box.

9. Savvy people buy clothes in the size they WANT to be.

10. It would be sacrilege if you were to throw away any of your children's or grandchildren's schoolwork from second grade, or any of the pictures they drew and gave to you.

11. Smart pet owners buy pet food in bulk quantities. You should too. Who knows? -- your pet may live to be 45 years old, right?

12. I'm sort of embarrassed to even mention this one. I mean, you KNOW you need to save clothes hangers, right? Especially the plastic ones.

13. Be aware that it is entirely possible that the main archives for the National Geographic could burn down any day. In such a disaster, your personal issues could be needed for backup are best kept in piles separated by year along one wall in the basement.

14. Did you lose a cheap earring at the Grand Canyon? Be sure and keep the other one in case someone returns it's mate. Or you can just go with the pirate look and wear only one. People will envy, I'm sure. Or, what the hell-- mix and match. Just keep your profile facing people or always stand in the middle.

15. When your table gets so stacked with papers you can't find your scanner anymore, put those important papers in a box and label the box "To File." Store it under the bed.

16. Finally, keep a box of really short strings. Label it "Strings too short to use."

Tax Day

2011-04-18T19:57:00.006-06:00

Today is Tax Day in the U.S.

Yay.

Usually it is April 15, but there was some sort of holiday in D.C. on Friday. I paid mine last week, so it didn't matter to me.

I've long since given up on having it spent wisely. All the taxes I've ever paid in my entire life (which have been a hardship on my family, incidentally, and made us do without stuff) would probably not buy even one bomb that exploded off target in the desert somewhere. It probably wouldn't even pay the tab for one Congressman's limousine driver. Maybe. I know I would have preferred to spend it on something other than they did.

Well, that's much too negative. I'm sure they used it for a good cause and not for the above. They probably used my lifetime contribution for Michelle's White House Garden, or some nice floral arrangements for a state dinner for the king of Saudia Arabia or like that.

Anyway, they've got it again, so no sense being stupid and insisting they respect my hard work when they spend it.

History

2011-04-12T13:03:00.002-06:00

On this date in history, April 12, 1861, America's bloodiest war began.

With eyes that know the darkness in my soul...

2011-04-10T02:44:00.006-06:00

Starry, starry night.

Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,

Swirling clouds in violet haze,

Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.

Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,

Weathered faces lined in pain,

Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,

How you suffered for your sanity,

How you tried to set them free.

They would not listen, they did not know how.

Perhaps they'll listen now.

—Don McLean

---------

Vincent Van Gogh, I think, might well have been the Edgar Allan Poe of the world of fine art, if mental anguish is the measure of such things. He didn't start painting until his late twenties and most of his most important work was completed in the last two years of his life. Even so, his body of work consists of about 2000 paintings and drawings. How much of his mental illness is reflected in his work is only conjecture. He checked himself into a mental hospital for a time towards the end of his life. The windows had bars on them and he painted what he saw through those bars. Starry Night was painted during his stay at the hospital.

Vincent was mostly unappreciated during his lifetime and did not realize much financial success from his painting. Several of his paintings fetch upwards of $100 million today. "Portrait of Dr. Gachet" (1890) sold for $139 Million in 1990, a hundred years after it was painted. (Adjusted to 2011 dollars.)

1890 is also the year Vincent took his life. He was 37.

Signs of the times

2011-04-06T15:31:00.002-06:00

I know a lot of people are doing church signs, but the following are funny.

1. Tonight's sermon: "What is Hell?" (Come early and hear our choir practice.)

2. Correction. The following typo appeared in our last church bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15." Please correct this to read: "12 noon."

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The evening sermon: "Searching for Jesus."

Nothing is full proff

2011-04-03T12:40:00.001-06:00

"Make sure that you have proofread your e-book before uploading and converting to digital text. As you may already know, Microsoft Word catches most grammar and spelling errors for you. But, it isn’t 100% full proof, so make sure you have proofread your document at least twice before converting it to a Kindle ebook."

A worthy Competitor

2011-04-01T00:09:00.005-06:00

When in Edinburgh, be sure and stop by the ast rop pub in Grassmarket. Just a short stroll of Victoria Street, Cowgate and Candlemaker Row. You won't find another like it, says the proprietor, and he is spot on, I have it on good authority.

A wide collection of ales, and classic pub food second to none served with famous British hospitality.

A traditional pub of unique character, complete with medieval ghost (a small girl) and near the site of the last hanging in the Grassmarket, condemned men had their last meals here. Built on the site of an ancient tenement using the old buildings' original 17th century stone. The executions were prepared just opposite the pub, according to Sir Walter Scott:

«It was the custom, until within these thirty years or thereabouts, to use this esplanade for the scene of public executions. The fatal day was announced to the public by the appearance of a huge black gallows-tree towards the eastern end of the Grassmarket. This ill-omened apparition was of great height, with a scaffold surrounding it, and a double ladder placed against it, for the ascent of the unhappy criminal and executioner. As this apparatus was always arranged before dawn, it seemed as if the gallows had grown out of the earth in the course of one night, like the production of some foul demon; and I well remember the fright with which the schoolboys, when I was one of their number, used to regard these ominous signs of deadly preparation. On the night after the execution the gallows again disappeared, and was conveyed in silence and darkness to the place where it was usually deposited, which was one of the vaults under the Parliament House, or courts of justice.»

Happy Birthday Sage!

2011-03-31T00:11:00.000-06:00

You're invited to a party. Right here at the Slap & Tickle. So, if you're reading this, you're already at the party! Yay!

Today is Sage's birthday. Actually, today is the day AFTER Sage's birthday, but we can still throw a party right?

Sage has a beautiful new house and two gorgeous dogs (Max has a thing for dogs, except these are a bit larger than Max) named Murphy and Jasper. Sage is one year and one day better today than she was last year. COOL!

All together now:

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday dear Say-ay-ge

Happy birthday to you!

Now blow out the candles. :)

I've already started eating the ice cream. Rocky Road. Yum!

"Outrage": My first dime novel

2011-03-29T19:45:00.006-06:00

The combat was fierce now. Mabel decided she wouldn't be able to deal with it by herself after all, and ran to fetch the marshal.

Ben was below, at a disadvantage, but he was a gamer. Grabbing a handful of Asa's hair in one hand and twisting his ear with the other, he uttered a stream of constant obscenities while all the time grunting and blowing his garlic breath in Asa's sweaty face.

Asa held his own, still trying to hypnotize Ben, but having little effect. Dizzy now from holding his breath against the garlic onslaught, Asa was about lose consciousness and tumble down the stairs, and he knew it.

Ben hooked one leg around Asa's in an effort to hasten the tumble. He grinned inwardly in satisfaction as he heard Asa's knee crack.

"CODSWALLUP!" cried Asa as he let go of his breath and the garlic fumes filled his lungs. Eyes watering profusely now, face flushed, the room spinning, Asa left off his mesmerizing and began to hawk up great clots of garlic-tainted phlem to project into Ben's livid and leering face. It was his only defense now. Making sounds like a cat with a furball, Asa met with success and let fly.

"RASCAL!" "DISHONORABLE TWADDLE!" Ben screamed the invectives, as the vile effluent stung his eyes. "MOLLYCODDLE!" "GOATLOVER!"

The marshal burst into the door and took the stairs two at a time, landing the butt of his drawn pistol solidly into Ben's right kidney. Ben's body went limp and he dropped like a bag of rocks at the marshal's feet.

"Sweet Lord Jesus! Mama come get your baby boy!" Ben implored as he writhed in agony.

With Ben out of the way, Asa tumbled forward in a dead faint.

As Asa tumbled down the stairs past his feet, rolling over the groaning Ben, the marshal shot him in the back at close range. Asa's body stiffened and his coat caught on fire from the close range blast of the marshal's .44.

"Freeze," the marshal barked at Asa.

Miss Mabel had returned and saw the whole thing. "I think you're supposed to say freeze before you shoot, Marshal," she opined.

"I'm new to this job," he shrugged. "I'll remember next time."

Suddenly Ben moaned and began to come to.

"BLAM," said the marshal's .44.

"Damn," said the marshal.

Miss Mabel rolled her eyes and shook her head in exasperation.

(to be continued)

Fun Odd facts you may want to write down and carry around with you

2011-03-22T02:51:00.002-06:00

1. Prince Edward Island is the 104th largest island in the world.

2. Nova Scotia means "New Scotia."

3. Halifax is where the ~~floatees~~ remains of the Titanic victims **that were recovered are buried. (**Those that were not recovered are not buried at Halifax.)

4. People who are from Newfoundland pronounce it New FOUND lund. Not NEWfunlund.

5. The French settled the island of Nova Scotia, only they called it Acadia. Actually, the island we now call Nova Scotia was PART of the old Acadia. (If you are ever on a game show and they ask you that question.)

6. The French Acadians departed Acadia right after the British came and kicked them out.

7. Actually, the French Acadians left Acadia during the American Revolution because all the American Loyalists fled America and a heap of them went to Acadia. Only they called it Nova Scotia. (Which, loosely translated, means "Tory Heaven.")

8. So the French Acadians fled south to French Louisiana to live and still be French. However, a few years after the migration, Napoleon sold Lousiana to the new United States out from under them, and so the Acadians were screwed again. They mostly slunk back into the bayous and kept speaking French while the Americans came in and took all the oil and stuff. The Americans couldn't understand the Acadians' speech and thought they said "Cajuns" so they started calling the Acadians that. Then the Acadians gave up and started calling themselves Cajuns, too. They still swear at you in French, though, if you intrude on their fishing waters back in bayou country. Only the French can't understand them anymore, either. It's a long story. Beaucoup and merde are about the only words you can make out anymore. Except for some basic early Anglo-Saxon words mixed in. Sorry this odd fact was so long.

9. As far as I know, there are still no statues of William Tecumseh Sherman in downtown Atlanta.

I'm going to leave this list at 9 because 9 is a lucky number and also because it will piss off the metricheads who think everything should come in units of ten.

---------

As an added bonus to those loyal readers who actually read down this far, the following is more for you to read if you want to. You will probably have to click on it to make it large enough to read unless you enjoy squinting. Did any of you see the movie "Water Boy" with Adam Sandler? Remember them biting the heads off barbecued baby alligators at the picnic? Anyhow, that's how Cajuns talk, sort of (in that movie.)

No one has EVER accused me of being a good speller. But...

2011-03-18T18:08:00.004-06:00

Some of these are more interesting than simply bad spelling. Some are surreal.

Culled from some online posts and comments:

"Think of it as your car's breaking system..."

"Slowly but surly..."

"i did the same thing and ended up dying a few months after i got my laptop..."

"...if you leave it on and on a soft surface it can cause a fire or overheating of your laptop which will defiantly harm it."

"...it kills the battery and shortens it's battery life..."

---------

Some unanswered technical questions I will take stabs at:

Q: Blue screen of Death... does anyone know the solution?

Relax Max answers:

1. I advise you to try a solution of one cup of dish soap per 5 gallons of water.

2. Buy a Mac.

3. I'm sure Microsoft will be glad to help you for free and will answer the helpline promptly.

4. 146?

5. Use it for a paperweight.

6. Is this another question about car breaks?

Q: Should I buy the iPad 1 or 2?

Relax Max answers:

That's a poser. Let's see... the new iPad 2 has several more features, is more compact, has a ton of new apps, comes with 2 cameras, has a cover, is faster -- and it costs exactly the same. Tough choice, I agree. I would advise you to buy the original iPad.

Q: How do I plug my laptop into a TV?

Relax Max answers:

1. Use your hand.

2. Very slowly.

3. Into the lower part of the screen. Press firmly.

4. Tell us again why you want to do this. Do you think the TV picture will magically show up on your laptop? Do you think your blog will we seen by millions? Are you just looking for a power source? What?

Q: Laptop internet connection?

Relax Max answers:

1. Yes. Yes, indeed.

2. Blue.

3. Using a laptop on the internet is not possible, dude. Sorry.

4. That's an incredible idea. Try to patent it.

Futility

2011-03-14T01:38:00.005-06:00

Relax Max's little doggie heart was waxing poetic on this sunny Sunday and he took up pen and pad, sure that this would be the day he would finally learn to write poetry.

The words flowed this time, the words sublime, the loosed metaphors fell in rhyme,

Sure to wring those tears from the stars this time.

And, finished, smug, it all worked out, ready to take my place with the poets great,

I made the mistake of daring to compare my masterpiece with those before,

Just to confirm I was their equal.

The pages in the worn poetry book opened of their own accord to Wales and Dylan Thomas,

And though long dead, and probably quite drunk when he wrote it, his random words still mocked my talent:

"Time held me green and dying

Though I sang in my chains like the sea."

I closed the book and threw mine away.

The Wizard of Westwood

2011-03-10T19:52:00.006-07:00

Happiness begins where selfishness ends.

—Coach John Wooden

---------

And.....

A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment.
John Wooden

Ability is a poor man's wealth.
John Wooden

Adversity is the state in which man most easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free of admirers then.
John Wooden

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
John Wooden

Be prepared and be honest.
John Wooden

Consider the rights of others before your own feelings, and the feelings of others before your own rights.
John Wooden

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
John Wooden

Don't measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but by what you should have accomplished with your ability.
John Wooden

Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.
John Wooden

I'd rather have a lot of talent and a little experience than a lot of experience and a little talent.
John Wooden

If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?
John Wooden

If you're not making mistakes, then you're not doing anything. I'm positive that a doer makes mistakes.
John Wooden

It isn't what you do, but how you do it.
John Wooden

It's not so important who starts the game but who finishes it.
John Wooden

It's the little details that are vital. Little things make big things happen.
John Wooden

It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.
John Wooden

Material possessions, winning scores, and great reputations are meaningless in the eyes of the Lord, because He knows what we really are and that is all that matters.
John Wooden

Never mistake activity for achievement.
John Wooden

Success comes from knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.
John Wooden

Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It's courage that counts.
John Wooden

Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming.
John Wooden

Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.
John Wooden

The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team.
John Wooden

The worst thing about new books is that they keep us from reading the old ones.
John Wooden

There are many things that are essential to arriving at true peace of mind, and one of the most important is faith, which cannot be acquired without prayer.
John Wooden

Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.
John Wooden

What you are as a person is far more important than what you are as a basketball player.
John Wooden

Winning takes talent, to repeat takes character.
John Wooden

You can't let praise or criticism get to you. It's a weakness to get caught up in either one.
John Wooden

You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
John Wooden

Dancing talent runs in the family

2011-03-01T18:10:00.004-07:00

I hadn't thought of the inestimable Joel Grey (also pictured in the previous post in makeup from his role as Master of Ceremonies in Bob Fosse's 1972 hit movie "Cabaret") too terribly much until I saw him on TV in the audience of "Dancing with the Stars" recently, which his daughter Jennifer won. Jennifer is 50 now, so Joel must be in his 70s. Time flies.

I used to have a girlfriend
known as Elsie
With whom I shared
Four sordid rooms in Chelsea

She wasn't what you'd call
A blushing flower...
As a matter of fact
She rented by the hour.

The day she died, the neighbors
came to snicker:
"Well, thats what comes
from too much pills and liquor."

But when I saw her laid out like a Queen
She was the happiest...corpse...
I'd ever seen.

I think of Elsie to this very day.
I'd remember how'd she turn to me and say:
"What good is sitting alone in your room?
Come hear the music play.
Life is a Cabaret, old chum,
Come to the Cabaret."

And as for me,
I made up my mind back in Chelsea,
When I go, I'm going like Elsie.

Tomorrow Belongs to Me

2011-01-31T22:49:00.002-07:00

Was watching the riots in Egypt tonight.

Where have all the soldiers gone?

Gone to graveyards, every one.

When will they ever learn?

Tomorrow belongs to me.

Sure.

Mo' bells

2011-01-23T18:42:00.002-07:00

Below are pictured some kinds of bells I thought of (click the below photo to enlarge.) How many of the pictures can you guess? Can you think of any more? My answers are at the very bottom of this post.

Poe's bells:

THE BELLS

by Edgar Allan Poe

1849

I

Hear the sledges with the bells-
Silver bells!
What a world of merriment their melody foretells!
How they tinkle, tinkle, tinkle,
In the icy air of night!
While the stars that oversprinkle
All the heavens, seem to twinkle
With a crystalline delight;
Keeping time, time, time,
In a sort of Runic rhyme,
To the tintinnabulation that so musically wells
From the bells, bells, bells, bells,
Bells, bells, bells-
From the jingling and the tinkling of the bells.

II

Hear the mellow wedding bells,
Golden bells!
What a world of happiness their harmony foretells!
Through the balmy air of night
How they ring out their delight!
From the molten-golden notes,
And an in tune,
What a liquid ditty floats
To the turtle-dove that listens, while she gloats
On the moon!
Oh, from out the sounding cells,
What a gush of euphony voluminously wells!
How it swells!
How it dwells
On the Future! how it tells
Of the rapture that impels
To the swinging and the ringing
Of the bells, bells, bells,
Of the bells, bells, bells,bells,
Bells, bells, bells-
To the rhyming and the chiming of the bells!

III

Hear the loud alarum bells-
Brazen bells!
What a tale of terror, now, their turbulency tells!
In the startled ear of night
How they scream out their affright!
Too much horrified to speak,
They can only shriek, shriek,
Out of tune,
In a clamorous appealing to the mercy of the fire,
In a mad expostulation with the deaf and frantic fire,
Leaping higher, higher, higher,
With a desperate desire,
And a resolute endeavor,
Now–now to sit or never,
By the side of the pale-faced moon.
Oh, the bells, bells, bells!
What a tale their terror tells
Of Despair!
How they clang, and clash, and roar!
What a horror they outpour
On the bosom of the palpitating air!
Yet the ear it fully knows,
By the twanging,
And the clanging,
How the danger ebbs and flows:
Yet the ear distinctly tells,
In the jangling,
And the wrangling,
How the danger sinks and swells,
By the sinking or the swelling in the anger of the bells-
Of the bells-
Of the bells, bells, bells,bells,
Bells, bells, bells-
In the clamor and the clangor of the bells!

IV

Hear the tolling of the bells-
Iron Bells!
What a world of solemn thought their monody compels!
In the silence of the night,
How we shiver with affright
At the melancholy menace of their tone!
For every sound that floats
From the rust within their throats
Is a groan.
And the people–ah, the people-
They that dwell up in the steeple,
All Alone
And who, tolling, tolling, tolling,
In that muffled monotone,
Feel a glory in so rolling
On the human heart a stone-
They are neither man nor woman-
They are neither brute nor human-
They are Ghouls:
And their king it is who tolls;
And he rolls, rolls, rolls,
Rolls
A paean from the bells!
And his merry bosom swells
With the paean of the bells!
And he dances, and he yells;
Keeping time, time, time,
In a sort of Runic rhyme,
To the paean of the bells-
Of the bells:
Keeping time, time, time,
In a sort of Runic rhyme,
To the throbbing of the bells-
Of the bells, bells, bells-
To the sobbing of the bells;
Keeping time, time, time,
As he knells, knells, knells,
In a happy Runic rhyme,
To the rolling of the bells-
Of the bells, bells, bells:
To the tolling of the bells,
Of the bells, bells, bells, bells-
Bells, bells, bells-
To the moaning and the groaning of the bells.

Sleigh bells

Bluebells

La Belle

Southern Belle

Bell tower

Taco Bell

Doorbell

Cowbell

Clarabelle

Bellweather

Saved by the bell

Barbell

Dumbbell

Campbell

Belle of the ball

Diving bell

Bell curve

Wedding bells

Liberty Bell

Bells and whistles

Hell's bells

Bicycle bell

Jingle Bells

Tuba bell

Alexander Graham Bell

Silver bells

Evening would find me

2011-01-13T19:17:00.005-07:00

Stephen Morath's lighthearted art of Mexico past and the American Southwest deserves to be purchased by you and me. If not original acrylics, then at least posters.

Of course the painting reminds me of El Paso and Juarez back when Juarez meant fun and not death. Here's Marty Robbins among the popcorn and stuff.

"Music would play and Felina would whirl."

Oh yes.

Facing facts

2011-01-09T03:10:00.001-07:00

On this date in history

2010-12-13T20:22:00.004-07:00

December 13, 1642: Dutch navigator Abel Tasman sighted what we now call New Zealand.

December 13, 1918: President Woodrow Wilson arrived in France, the first U.S. President to visit Europe while in office.

December 13, 2003: Saddam Husein was captured hiding in a hole under a farmhouse near Takrit in Iraq.

Faster than a speeding bullet

2010-12-10T15:05:00.005-07:00

No matter how fast light travels, darkness got there first and was waiting for it.

—Terry Pratchett

Fast? I'm so fast I can turn out the light and jump into bed before the room gets dark.

—Muhammad Ali

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

—Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

—Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

—Steven Wright

To fly as fast as thought, you must begin by knowing that you have already arrived.

—Richard Bach (Jonathan Livingston Seagull)

God made me fast, and when I run I feel his pleasure.

—Eric Liddell

The trouble with talking too fast is you might say something you haven't thought of yet.

—Ann Landers

Moving fast is not the same as going somewhere.

—Robert Anthony

Solution? One solution.

2010-12-05T11:19:00.003-07:00

Here is the solution they gave in the textbook, but certainly not the only one. The instructions don't put restrictions or conditions other than to attach the candle to the wall. It doesn't say you have to use all the materials. In the solution above, it appears the candle has been lit and drops of wax hold the candle upright, though that isn't clear. There may be a tack on the bottom which isn't shown (that's how I would have done it. You don't need the matches at all in that case. Actually you don't need the box either if you just tack the candle to the wall through the wick.

I wonder how many engineering or design students couldn't visualize this rather unchallenging problem? I think those students would be weeded out by the end of the first year, hopefully.

Did you know that the best Systems Analysts don't come from the programming community? Or any other technical field, for that matter. They come from the arts: photographers, artists, filmmakers. Technical people never seem to be able to see the big picture amongst all the details that interest them so much. They tend to stay in their boxes.

Human reasoning

2010-12-03T02:32:00.003-07:00

"The candle problem" is a classic experiment of insight put forth by Karl Duncker in 1945.

Each subject is given a candle, a box of tacks, and a book of matches and asked to attach the candle to a wooden wall.

If you were a subject in the test, how would YOU do it?

Tomorrow: the Duncker solution.

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Relax Max's supplimental: Duncker's problem is fine for college students, but much too simple for the people who read my blog, sooo... can you do it without the matches?

Keep it short?

2010-11-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

Blogger Law #36:

"The longer an online discussion goes, the greater the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler becomes."

A prime example of why women should not be assigned combat roles in the military

2010-11-07T13:51:00.003-07:00

Peace might break out.

(Click picture to enlarge)

Don't tell me Republicans have no sense of humor. Just don't.

2010-11-05T22:24:00.000-06:00

Background:

1. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) is the current Speaker of the House.
2. The Speaker of the House is elected by the House, but is by custom the ranking majority member (longest with their snout in the public trough of the party in power.)
3. Now that the Republicans will have a majority in the House (come January when the new thieves come to Washington) Nancy will, of course, no longer be the head honcha who sits up front with the gavel, and who decides what legislation will be accepted for debate. The job of Speaker of the House will fall upon the ranking member of the (new) majority party. This is one John Boehner (R-OH). Pronounced "beaner," I think (though he is not Hispanic.) John spends a lot of time in the tanning bed or is a heavy duty self-tanning cream user. At any rate, his face is orange. He looks quite healthy, in a sickly sort of way.

4. Nancy Pelosi announced today that she will be running for minority leader. Yo. Republicans had expected her to run back to San Francisco and hide under her bed, I think. But no.

---------

Nancy says she feels an obligation to run for the leadership position and stay in the fight since so many things remain unfinished. She especially wants to "continue" her fight for jobs for Americans.

Republicans seemed happy at the news:

"Given that there are now 60-plus defeated Democrat House members urgently seeking jobs due to Nancy Pelosi's failed leadership, we welcome her decision to run for House Minority Leader based on her proven ability to create jobs for Republican lawmakers." So said Ken Spain, a spokesman for the National Republican Congressional Committee.

Oh, touche. I thought we were going to work together?

A quick smack to the snot box? Really?

2010-11-03T23:17:00.004-06:00

I was trying to find out who a guy by the name of Andrew Neil was today. Apparently he is some roach of a prima donna gossip reporter that Rupert Murdock fired for being too stupid to live. I googled him and, oddly, he came up under "cunt." You know how reserved the British are. I think he is of Scotish-cunt extraction, they said. Nicknamed Brillo Head, don't know why. Has a good red dye job on his hair. Well, not that good, I guess, if you can tell.

Apparently he used to be a real reporter with legitimate news organizations, but then began to fancy himself a playboy and lost his cred. Sort of like a cross between Geraldo Rivera and Jerry Springer, only not so intelligent as Geraldo and not as classy as Springer. Which is to say a real low-life National Enquirer type of "reporter."

I wish the British weren't so reserved, so I could find out the truth. These are the only British opinions of Neil that I could find:

Andrew Neil

...is a cunt

Andrew Neil, for the roasting he gave Devil's Kitchen,
is a cunt.

Nominated by The Rt Hon. Grim Reaper

although counter-cunted...

Devil's Kitchen, for being a

surrender monkeying prick of a cunt.

Thanks matey, for a Fanfare for the Common Man.

Nominated by Brickbat, seconded by Fidothedog

Barking Spider said...

I wouldn't have let that cunt, Neil, browbeat me into apologising for telling the truth!

banned said...

'Counter Cunted', interesting concept.

Captain Haddock said...

I'd pay good money to see someone "trim the lamps" one of these bullying, hectoring interviewers ..

People like Neil, Paxman etc ... They seem to believe that because they've become "celebs" they're bombproof ..

A quick smack in the old "snot-box" might just serve to remind them how fortunate they are to lead such cushy, over-paid lives ..

Well, I don't know. The feelings about him seem to be mixed, no? Do any of YOU know who he is? Help me out here.